Top Memories of 2010

I could do 2010 memories, this year was the most amazing year of my life, but I will limit it to my top 50 memories. And as great as this year was, I think about 2011 and how great it will be watching Z grow up and learn new things and develop as parents with Mike.

1. Being handed my beautiful baby boy for the first time
2. Being told "It's a Boy" at the ultrasound
3. Buying our first home
4. Playing a "risky" boardgame
5. Getting our TV for free
6. Getting to see Z and his cousin play together
7. The incredible generosity of the people in our church
8. Watching 2 of my closest friends get married
9. Texting while in labour
10. Watching and rewatching HIMYM
11. Z's first Christmas
12. The first time Z giggled
13. Calgary trip with the girls
14. The Olympics - Go Canada!!!
15. Being able to be a "sassy" pregnant lady
16. Feeling Z's hiccups inside me
17. The look on Mike's face the first time he felt Z move
18. Our "homecation"
19. Edible Arrangements
20. Bringing Z home from the hospital and having this "holy crap we're parents" moment
21. Getting shoes for valentines day
22. Decorating the nursery
23. Girls Night
24. The thrill of that first painful contraction and knowing it was time
25. Long walks around the block with Mike trying to get Z to sleep
26. Seeing J wear a "big brother" T-shirt
27. Taking O & H to West Ed and seeing O stand with a sea lion
28. Watching Mike gently hold our child while he sleeps
29. Flying with Z and having people come up to us to tell us he was the best and quietest baby they had ever flown with
30. Being able to take Z to California to visit his grandparents and great-grandparents
31. Angela's stagette, nothing like the big pregnant woman dancing to Journey
32. Timing contractions at Joella's wedding
33. The first time that Z was crying and crying and then stopped the second I picked him up
34. Celebrating my parents 30th Wedding Anniversary
35. New Friendships
36. Old Friendships staying strong, even with the giant life changes we all went through this year
37. Running our first load of dishes in our first ever dishwasher!
38. Being pregnant at the same time as my sister AND sister-in-law
39. "But Not The Hippopotamus"
40. Being asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of two of my favorite people!
41. Coffee at Tim Horton's with my Dad
42. World Cup final...it was a devastating loss but still a fun party
43. Really getting to connect with my sister in law
44. Quietly rocking my newborn baby while he slept in my arms
45. Being able to fly to Regina to spend some time with my sister
46. Painting coasters with Mike at CrankPots
47. Seeing Moulon Rouge
48. Seeing the joy and excitement on J&J's faces when they announced they were pregnant!
49. Seeing the man I love be not only an amazing husband, son, brother and friend but an amazing and incredible father
50. The realization that as hard as it seemed at the time, looking back it was all great memories

trying to be positive

I hate that i always feel like writing when Z is having a bad day. He's not a bad baby. Really he's not. He smiles a lot and giggles and takes naps like a little pro. He almost always simply closes his eyes and falls asleep when I put him in his crib. All I have to do is read him his story, give him his soother and he simply cuddles up to his little lovey and falls asleep. It's wonderful. But I don't talk about those things. I talk about the days when he cries all freaking day long and when he wakes up 3 times in the night. But is that what I want to remember? What about the time when hubby came home and Z looks up and sees his Daddy and gets the biggest grin on his face? Or the time when we went to California and he was this perfect little angel on the plane? He seriously just sat in my lap and slept for 2 1/2 out of the 3 hours and when he was awake, he was just happily taking his bottle and then playing with his toys. Or the first time he laughed, like really full belly laughed? He basically couldn't stop laughing, it was priceless. Yet thats not what I write about. But thats what I want to remember. The happy times, yes i know life isn't just about the happy times and there will be sad times too. But soon Z will be this little boy with new memories and adventures and I want to remember him being this little happy beautiful baby. The one who falls asleep in my arms when I feed him (and sometimes I do too!) and who smiles with this big giant toothless mouth and giggles with his whole body. I know that sometimes I will need to writing when I'm going insane and I just need to vent but I also want to remember to write about the good times, the happy times. Because there are so many.

make it stop

The shower is running
The dryer is going
The nursery door is closed
My head is under the pillow
I can still hear the crying

Label-less

I've been reading these blogs and there always seems to be these labels for the types of moms. There are the organic moms, the frugal moms, the worrier moms, the green moms, the attached parenting moms, the babywise moms, etc etc. I feel like I should be a "type" but I'm not. I have no idea where I fit in the mommysphere. And sometimes that makes me feel guilty. Like I'm a bad mom or something because I don't have a label. I don't use cloth diapers (although I wouldn't mind using them but hubby really doesn't want to have to deal with them and feels like I would feel overwhelmed with the laundry - and he's right) but I will make my own baby food. Except for the cereal, that seems like too much effort. I think natural births are pretty fantastic but I had an epidural and feel absolutely no guilt about that. I definately don't use the attachment parenting style, but I'm all for baby-wearing (although unfortunately Z isn't as fond of babywearing as I am). Z didn't spend a single night in our room (with the exception of any time we were staying the night elsewhere) and the first time he slept through the night, I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to check to see if he was breathing. I don't believe in "on-demand" nursing and I pretty much count the days until I can wean Z from breastfeeding. I do enjoy the closeness of nursing him but I hate the fact that I can never be away from him for more than 3 hours because it takes me FOREVER to get a bottle. It also drives me crazy that I can't tell if he's taken a full meal or if he's just snacked a little. I don't like the CIO method all that much because it breaks my heart to hear him cry but I do do it occasionally, especially for the late afternoon nap because that seems to be the hardest for him to take. I guess I just feel sometimes that I don't have a parenting style and will that mess up Z? Should I pick a style and commit to it? I do love Babywise because I think the concept of eat, play, sleep is a great idea and I think the notion that babies cry for reasons other than hunger is important, especially when there is the temptation to just shove your breast in their mouth to get them to stop crying. Personally, I have NO idea if he's crying because he's hungry or not so most of the time, going by the clock works. We're pretty flexible. If he's obviously hungry or to be honest, going insane and I can't calm him down, then of course I'll feed him regardless of when he last ate but really it works for us to use a routine. But the other points in Babywise? I don't follow them, they're pretty strict and I think babies need some flexibility in their schedule. And they only work if your baby works on a perfect schedule, I was driving myself crazy expecting Z to do things exactly as the books says.
But in the long run, I think that part of motherhood is figuring out what works for you. Every baby is different. So as much as I kinda wish I could fit into this perfect label, I don't think we're meant to. As long as I love my son, I think it's okay. Hubby & I have two really important tasks as parents - love our child and teach him about Christ's love. And I strive to do that every single day. And really how can you not love this face:

Sleep....

I definately haven't written as much as I want to. I was so determined to try to write down these memories, I have a lot of good ones but it's just so hard to actually stop and write. I feel like if Z stops for a moment, I need to eat, or shower or read a book. But I am realizing how fast he grows and how much life changes. Re-reading my first couple of posts, I can so VIVIDLY remember those moments of him screaming non-stop all day long and realizing how quiet it is these days. He takes naps, he coos and giggles and smiles, he still cries but in general he is a fantabulous baby. The biggest hurdle (and most exhausting) is his night sleeping. I was so smug, when little Z was just 5 weeks old, he slept a solid 8 hours. It was amazing, glorious and kinda painful. Then when he was 8 weeks old, he started doing that regularly, often going 9 hours. He did that right up until he was about 15 weeks old...and then he stopped. He started going to bed earlier and having a EARLY morning feed, which wasn't too terrible. He would feed at like 7:30 and then sleep until 4:30 which is still 9 hours, he even occassionaly did 10.5 hours! But then one day he decided to wake up at 1 a.m. then 4 a.m. then 6 a.m. Growth spurt? Maybe but it's been several weeks! So finally this week, Mike has been getting up and rocking him to sleep without a feeding and he's back to only one feeding, but it's still him only going 6-8 hours at night. and we are still getting up. So I am tired. So very tired. And a lot less smug about my fantastic night sleeping baby.

One year ago

I remember this day so clearly. I woke up, went to work, and tried to ignore that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that said that something isn't right. Something made me fall asleep at 6:30 p.m. last week and something is making coffee give me really bad heartburn. something is making me have to run and pee every five minutes. Something is late...4 days late. There was this part of me that wanted that something to be a pink or blue something but there also a part that was in complete denial - this wasn't our plans. We had just decided on a 3 year plan. Mike will finish his degree and get a YP job and THEN we will jump on the baby train. So I decided I had the flu. My big sis (who was 5 months preg at the time) and I went for a walk (oh how I loved living close by and working with my sister!) at lunch and I started complaining about how I was feeling. She got this uh-oh look in her eyes and asked if maybe it was that time of month, I got that guilty look in my eye and said well....it should be. She encouraged me to take a test, it's better to know. So I got home, told Mike that I needed to take a test. I've taken several pregnancy tests over the years and of course they've all been negative so I wasn't really expecting anything different with this test. But I went into the bathroom, peed on an expensive stick and then waited. And while I waited, something happened that made me assume i wasn't pregnant (lets not go into too much detail, we'll just say Aunt Flo visited - or so I thought) so I was SO positive that it would be negative. I was a little disappointed and kinda annoyed that I spent $15 for nothing. So I went into the bedroom to chat with Mike and then after 4 minutes went back in to take a look...
At that moment my life changed forever. I was shocked, happy, disappointed, scared, terrified, sad, excited and really really unsure of what my future would hold. However, we never looked back. Mike was so amazing. He simply hugged me, looked at that little stick with 2 pink lines on it and said "we're going to have a baby". Then we had taco salad. Life was good.

Surviving

Z is almost 4 weeks old and I feel like I am barely surviving. The first 2 weeks were so great and easy. Z slept pretty much all the time, and when he was awake he was just so happy and cuddly and barely ever cried. But for some reason, once he started his third week, he just changed personalities. He started crying, not just crying but screaming. And nothing will calm him down, I feel like such a horrible mother when there is nothing I can do and I just want to put him down and leave. I just want a break and I don't get to take one. I can't leave him because if he gets hungry, I'm the only one who can help him. Sigh. Plus Mike feels like he can't calm him as well as I can, so he usually ends up passing him to me. Although he is getting better with not doing that. It's just so overwhelming, I'm so responsible for this child. I can never leave him or just go do whatever I want. I need to constantly think about someone else. It's draining. And he never naps which means I never get a break. He's finally sleeping - it's 4 p.m. and it's his first nap of the day which is a little ridiculous. Most babies sleep every couple of hours - not ours. I love him so much but sometimes I just feel like exploding. But then he sleeps in my arms and I look at his peaceful perfect face and I forget the screaming and I just can't believe he's all mine, forever. And everything is okay.