How can I leave this face?

I got to admit, I'm really struggling with the idea of going back to work. Lately he has been so fun and so smiley that I'm really wishing that we could swing me not going back but I do know that I need to work for the time being but I REALLY don't want to.... I mean really, look at him: (yes this picture was taken in April...oh how I love Canadian spring...)

Look what I can do!

Bah

Thats my mood today. I haven't blogged in a month and thats mainly because i have had no energy, no desire to write, to think or to do really anything. It's been a busy, crazy month. Mike applied for this YP job, got the interview, got to one out of two and once again, they went with the other guy. Then he found out his uncle, his favorite uncle, has been diagnosed with terminal esophagus cancer. Then we found out that although we can buy a house super cheap down in california, the job market SUCKS and since I won't be able to work when we move down due to my lack of a green card....our moving plans have been put on hold. Then we crunched numbers and realized that income - expenses will leave us like $20 of breathing room if I stay home.... so I'm going back to work. All of this has equaled out to us being stressed, a little depressed and really unsure of life. From the day I went on maternity leave, I never thought I'd go back to work. At least not until all the kids were in school. I never once thought I would have to put Z in daycare...but I will. And I'm not going to lie, I'm really struggling with that. Am I a bad mom for deciding to go back to work when technically we could survive without me going? Am I being selfish? Is it horrible that I'm kinda excited at the prospect of getting out of the house everyday, wearing nice office clothes, getting a paycheque and actually being able to afford new shoes or a meal out or.... a vacation!! And I think about the fact that someone else is going to be watching my baby everyday. Someone else might be the one to see his first steps or hear his first word.... That thought devastates me. And I don't know what to do. I know that I'm going back, I found a dayhome that seems really good, I'm in the process of looking for a job and I'm okay with it. But there is this little guilty voice in the back of my head that says that a child belongs with his mother, not someone being paid to watch him. And then I start second guessing myself. Should I stay home? Should we just cut the numbers, spend less on groceries, take the bus and conserve electricity? All this stress makes me want to stay at home in bed. And thats just the work stress. There is the fact that my husband is still working in a job he doesn't really love, making only decent money while he also works for our condo board and interning at our church, meaning he is home like one day a week. He has another job interview this morning and i'll be honest, I can't even think positively about this one. I would LOVE it if he got this job but really, I can't get my hopes up again. It's too hard. But I have bible study in like 15 minutes, so I need to go, make myself look presentable and spend 2 hours fellowshipping with other Christian mommies and just love on Jesus today.

Poor sick sad baby...

Poor Z, he is teething today and just so exhausted and grumpy. He hasn't cuddled up and slept against me in my wrap since he was probably 3 months old. I must admit, I was sad for him that he wasn't feeling good but I loved getting these cuddles!

Full Belly Laughs...

So Z is moving, like moving moving. It's crazy. I kept waiting for him to scootch, we would meanly put toys just out of his reach and tryto get him to move forward and he sorta could but not really. So while I was focusing on that, I missed the fact that rolling over could get you places! He rolled over from his back to his belly (finally!) and I missed him doing that. I was chatting with my sister in law and looked up and he wasn't on his back anymore! I was shocked but then he didn't do it for several days and I started wondering if maybe I was crazy, maybe he was on his tummy all along but then he did it! He rolled from his back to his tummy and then he did this thing where if I had him close to his exersaucer he would use that to roll himself back and forth, it was so cute. But then this new thing started - log rolling! I had heard of it but never really thought about it as a way to move. I thought babies just rolled over a couple times and that was log rolling. But Z doesn't just roll over, he moves all over my house. He can get from point A to point B surprisingly quick. Although I must admit, I'm really not sure if he actually is planning to get somewhere or just ends up somewhere and then happily plays where he ends up. But regardless, it's so fun to watch. Plus he's a lot more content these days now that he can do stuff on his own. The best thing ever was when he was on the floor by himself and I was just chatting with Mike on the couch and he managed to roll over to his car seat and get to his toy and he'd press the buttons and play with it and then.....he laughed. Like full out belly laugh. My heart just melted. This wasn't his first laugh, he giggles quite a bit. Almost always when I kiss his cheeks and say "mum-mum-mum" and when Mike gives him belly rubs but this was the first time he had laughed on his own, without us doing something to entertain him. It just seems so special, this laugh. It was a huge laugh, which is a newer thing to him, and it just seemed to say that we're doing something right. We are raising a happy, healthy child who loves us, who loves his life and is content. And then I picked him up and he smiled at me and gave me a giant sloppy open mouthed kiss. I love that boy.

From your Mama - Happy 6 Month Birthday!

Today is your half birthday my dearest son. You have changed so much in these 6 months. Until you were born, I had no idea what unconditional love is. The moment I held you in my arms, I loved you. You were this quiet little baby who looked at me with these deep soulful eyes that seemed to know exactly what was going on. I loved you so much but in comparison to the love I have for you, it was nothing. I remember holding you when you were about 4 weeks old and just crying because of the depth of my love for you. And it just continues to grow. You are absolutely everything to me. I love your eyes, the way they always seem to be taking everything in, I love your little “hero chin” and your chubby cheeks. I love watching you sleep. I love watching you learn new things. In 6 short months you have gone from basically just sleeping constantly to moving constantly. I remember driving home from the hospital with you and thinking, oh my goodness we are in charge of this little baby and being absolutely terrified. However nothing was more exciting to me than being your mother. I loved holding you, nursing you, I even enjoyed changing your diapers. I loved dressing you in these adorable little baby clothes and taking a million pictures of you. Your first smile, your first little giggle (which was this little “heh-heh” that sounded like a fake pity laugh), your first belly laugh. The first time you rolled over (which got me so excited that I scared you!), the first time you rolled from back to belly, the first time you sat on your own, your first meal, your first bath…all these memories happened in just 6 short months and I’m so excited for all the firsts that are coming up! I can’t wait for your first crawl, your first steps and your first words but there is a part of me that will be sad because every new first represents you moving away from babyhood into toddlerhood. But I am so excited for the next 6 months and the rest of your life. I’m so excited to see you grow up and I pray that you will always know how much I love you. Happy Half-Birthday!

Just because

Z is trying SO hard here to move, one day he will shock everyone (including himself!) and actually move but so far, it' s just been fun to watch him try