Wednesday, March 28, 2012

My heart is breaking

I don't understand God sometimes. Okay, most of the time but today, not only do I not understand God, I'm really mad at the way God is running this world.
A couple from our Bible Study, a wonderful, beautiful Jesus-loving couple was expecting a baby. She was 9 months pregnant. 9 freaking months. And they found out yesterday that the baby's heart stopped beating. Just like that. at 9 months they find out their baby has died. She has the nursery picked out, she is on maternity leave, they bought diapers and baby clothes and picked out names. I'm not saying a miscarriage isn't incredibly difficult but it is different. She could feel the baby move constantly, count the kicks and just sit and dream. She could have gone into labour naturally and had a healthly baby but instead she is currently in labour knowing that her baby is already gone. I can't imagine how heartbreaking that would be, how incredibly impossible it would be to have the motivation to push. Her due date is next Monday, less than a week away. She was just in for a stress test last week and we were laughing about how relaxing that is because you get juice and a magazine and you get to watch your baby's heartbeat and now that baby is gone. I can't understand this. I can't pretend that I know what to say or do in this situation, all I want to do is grieve for her, her husband and this huge incredible loss. And be a little angry at God for them.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Gotta start them young!

My life is good

I finally don't feel like crap. I think that deserves a whole post. This has been the longest, most exhausting and just unfun 3 months of my life. When I was pregnant with Z, I didn't really feel all that bad my first trimester, I had some other fun complications that were terrifying but feeling sick - nope, I felt pretty good. I think I threw up like three times my whole pregnancy (not including a nasty bout of the flu) and one of those times was when I was in labour but this time? If I threw up three times a day, it was a good day. And the exhaustion? Seriously? How am I so tired ALL THE TIME. I go to bed at like 7:30, I put Z to bed, pretend I'm going to do some dishes but instead run a bath and then fall asleep on the bed thinking I'll actually get up again. That was my life for the last 3 months? But finally, I am actually able to do things again and people know I'm pregnant so I can stop wearing really baggy patterned shirts in an attempt to hide my belly. Which apparently didn't work since when I finally told work people they were all like ya, we kinda were starting to think so... but now I can wear all these cute maternity shirts that accents instead of hides the belly which makes me happy :)
And Z seems happy about becoming a big brother, well he actually has no idea but he loves touching my tummy and blowing kisses to Beta (which is what my nerdy hubby has named the baby). So that makes my heart really happy. Actually a lot of things make my heart happy. I was lying in bed the other day just thinking about how perfect my life is. I have this hilariously adorable 20 month old running around, I have a healthy baby growing inside me (hello, how cool is it that we can grow a baby? I mean really - so cool!) and I have this really hot man who LOVES me ridiculously. My life is good.