Typically living on a budget doesn't bother me. Actually the obsessive-compulsive neurotic side of me loves it. I love writing things down and crunching numbers and making lists. Coupon clipping and budget friendly cookbooks all give me this little thrill inside. I don't need to go to Mexico or live in a big fancy house. I'm okay with the fact that we live in a 2 bedroom condo and we had to borrow money to buy it. We bought a used car and we live in a house filled with me hand-me-downs. I'm okay with that. However I want an extra $25,000. What for you ask? I want a baby. Yes, I have a baby. This beautiful baby boy sleeping in the next room (and yes, he's actually sleeping, I'm shocked too) but I want another baby. And I do realize there are very cheap ways to make a baby. Heck in Canada it's really cheap. We don't even need health insurance to have a baby. It's kinda fantastic, Mike was so shocked when I got to the hospital and the bill was $0 for 2 nights in the hospital and everything that went with having a baby...but that's not really what I'm talking about. I want to adopt. I want to find a baby in Haiti that is orphaned and without a home and adopt that baby. I would love that baby and give him/her a good home. I literally break down and cry at the thought of all these beautiful babies in orphanages, not being rocked or sung to when they're sad. These babies not smiling when someone peeks into their cribs because they don't know love. Okay I'm crying again, but the point is, I want to help them. I want to love those babies. But it's expensive to adopt. Really, really expensive. And I've always thought that it is healthy for an adoptive baby to be the middle child. I know that sounds weird but I think it's great when the baby is just part of the family. Not an afterthought or a next stage of life baby, but just one of the family. So maybe in 10 or 15 years we could afford to adopt a baby, but I don't want to wait 10 or 15 years, I want to get started on the process now. That way when we do get the baby, Z will only be a couple years older. But it's so expensive which kinda breaks my heart. I feel this need, this call to open my heart, my life and my family to a child that's not from my womb but financially, I don't know what to do. It's not like a missions trip where I can fund raise for and sign up for before I have the money on a leap of faith that God will provide. Adoption agencies don't really let you sign up unless you have the money. And why is it so expensive? Really, there are MILLIONS of babies that need a home. I get that there needs to be paperwork so you don't get people adopting for wrong reasons, but why is it so expensive?? We make it by each month, but not with a lot left over, definitely not enough to put away the kind of money we would need to adopt. Part of me is bitter when I see people with money and they get to go to Mexico and buy stupidly expensive cars and furniture. We would do so much more with the money. But do I send Z to day care and try to get another job? Would sacrificing being a stay at home Mom be the right thing to do? Do I push my husband to not look for a job in youth ministry and stay with the bank because he'll make more money? Where do we find a balance? I can't stand the thought of not being there day in and day out for Z when we can technically (barely!) afford for me to stay home. And I could never ask my husband to not follow God and serve God the way he feels he has been gifted. So what do we do?
* Disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anyone by calling myself poor because I know that I am not poor, in fact I think we're probably considered middle-class. I am exaggerating and simply looking at ourselves in comparison to family members and the society we live in.