Bah

Thats my mood today. I haven't blogged in a month and thats mainly because i have had no energy, no desire to write, to think or to do really anything. It's been a busy, crazy month. Mike applied for this YP job, got the interview, got to one out of two and once again, they went with the other guy. Then he found out his uncle, his favorite uncle, has been diagnosed with terminal esophagus cancer. Then we found out that although we can buy a house super cheap down in california, the job market SUCKS and since I won't be able to work when we move down due to my lack of a green card....our moving plans have been put on hold. Then we crunched numbers and realized that income - expenses will leave us like $20 of breathing room if I stay home.... so I'm going back to work. All of this has equaled out to us being stressed, a little depressed and really unsure of life. From the day I went on maternity leave, I never thought I'd go back to work. At least not until all the kids were in school. I never once thought I would have to put Z in daycare...but I will. And I'm not going to lie, I'm really struggling with that. Am I a bad mom for deciding to go back to work when technically we could survive without me going? Am I being selfish? Is it horrible that I'm kinda excited at the prospect of getting out of the house everyday, wearing nice office clothes, getting a paycheque and actually being able to afford new shoes or a meal out or.... a vacation!! And I think about the fact that someone else is going to be watching my baby everyday. Someone else might be the one to see his first steps or hear his first word.... That thought devastates me. And I don't know what to do. I know that I'm going back, I found a dayhome that seems really good, I'm in the process of looking for a job and I'm okay with it. But there is this little guilty voice in the back of my head that says that a child belongs with his mother, not someone being paid to watch him. And then I start second guessing myself. Should I stay home? Should we just cut the numbers, spend less on groceries, take the bus and conserve electricity? All this stress makes me want to stay at home in bed. And thats just the work stress. There is the fact that my husband is still working in a job he doesn't really love, making only decent money while he also works for our condo board and interning at our church, meaning he is home like one day a week. He has another job interview this morning and i'll be honest, I can't even think positively about this one. I would LOVE it if he got this job but really, I can't get my hopes up again. It's too hard. But I have bible study in like 15 minutes, so I need to go, make myself look presentable and spend 2 hours fellowshipping with other Christian mommies and just love on Jesus today.