trying to be positive

I hate that i always feel like writing when Z is having a bad day. He's not a bad baby. Really he's not. He smiles a lot and giggles and takes naps like a little pro. He almost always simply closes his eyes and falls asleep when I put him in his crib. All I have to do is read him his story, give him his soother and he simply cuddles up to his little lovey and falls asleep. It's wonderful. But I don't talk about those things. I talk about the days when he cries all freaking day long and when he wakes up 3 times in the night. But is that what I want to remember? What about the time when hubby came home and Z looks up and sees his Daddy and gets the biggest grin on his face? Or the time when we went to California and he was this perfect little angel on the plane? He seriously just sat in my lap and slept for 2 1/2 out of the 3 hours and when he was awake, he was just happily taking his bottle and then playing with his toys. Or the first time he laughed, like really full belly laughed? He basically couldn't stop laughing, it was priceless. Yet thats not what I write about. But thats what I want to remember. The happy times, yes i know life isn't just about the happy times and there will be sad times too. But soon Z will be this little boy with new memories and adventures and I want to remember him being this little happy beautiful baby. The one who falls asleep in my arms when I feed him (and sometimes I do too!) and who smiles with this big giant toothless mouth and giggles with his whole body. I know that sometimes I will need to writing when I'm going insane and I just need to vent but I also want to remember to write about the good times, the happy times. Because there are so many.

make it stop

The shower is running
The dryer is going
The nursery door is closed
My head is under the pillow
I can still hear the crying

Label-less

I've been reading these blogs and there always seems to be these labels for the types of moms. There are the organic moms, the frugal moms, the worrier moms, the green moms, the attached parenting moms, the babywise moms, etc etc. I feel like I should be a "type" but I'm not. I have no idea where I fit in the mommysphere. And sometimes that makes me feel guilty. Like I'm a bad mom or something because I don't have a label. I don't use cloth diapers (although I wouldn't mind using them but hubby really doesn't want to have to deal with them and feels like I would feel overwhelmed with the laundry - and he's right) but I will make my own baby food. Except for the cereal, that seems like too much effort. I think natural births are pretty fantastic but I had an epidural and feel absolutely no guilt about that. I definately don't use the attachment parenting style, but I'm all for baby-wearing (although unfortunately Z isn't as fond of babywearing as I am). Z didn't spend a single night in our room (with the exception of any time we were staying the night elsewhere) and the first time he slept through the night, I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to check to see if he was breathing. I don't believe in "on-demand" nursing and I pretty much count the days until I can wean Z from breastfeeding. I do enjoy the closeness of nursing him but I hate the fact that I can never be away from him for more than 3 hours because it takes me FOREVER to get a bottle. It also drives me crazy that I can't tell if he's taken a full meal or if he's just snacked a little. I don't like the CIO method all that much because it breaks my heart to hear him cry but I do do it occasionally, especially for the late afternoon nap because that seems to be the hardest for him to take. I guess I just feel sometimes that I don't have a parenting style and will that mess up Z? Should I pick a style and commit to it? I do love Babywise because I think the concept of eat, play, sleep is a great idea and I think the notion that babies cry for reasons other than hunger is important, especially when there is the temptation to just shove your breast in their mouth to get them to stop crying. Personally, I have NO idea if he's crying because he's hungry or not so most of the time, going by the clock works. We're pretty flexible. If he's obviously hungry or to be honest, going insane and I can't calm him down, then of course I'll feed him regardless of when he last ate but really it works for us to use a routine. But the other points in Babywise? I don't follow them, they're pretty strict and I think babies need some flexibility in their schedule. And they only work if your baby works on a perfect schedule, I was driving myself crazy expecting Z to do things exactly as the books says.
But in the long run, I think that part of motherhood is figuring out what works for you. Every baby is different. So as much as I kinda wish I could fit into this perfect label, I don't think we're meant to. As long as I love my son, I think it's okay. Hubby & I have two really important tasks as parents - love our child and teach him about Christ's love. And I strive to do that every single day. And really how can you not love this face:

Sleep....

I definately haven't written as much as I want to. I was so determined to try to write down these memories, I have a lot of good ones but it's just so hard to actually stop and write. I feel like if Z stops for a moment, I need to eat, or shower or read a book. But I am realizing how fast he grows and how much life changes. Re-reading my first couple of posts, I can so VIVIDLY remember those moments of him screaming non-stop all day long and realizing how quiet it is these days. He takes naps, he coos and giggles and smiles, he still cries but in general he is a fantabulous baby. The biggest hurdle (and most exhausting) is his night sleeping. I was so smug, when little Z was just 5 weeks old, he slept a solid 8 hours. It was amazing, glorious and kinda painful. Then when he was 8 weeks old, he started doing that regularly, often going 9 hours. He did that right up until he was about 15 weeks old...and then he stopped. He started going to bed earlier and having a EARLY morning feed, which wasn't too terrible. He would feed at like 7:30 and then sleep until 4:30 which is still 9 hours, he even occassionaly did 10.5 hours! But then one day he decided to wake up at 1 a.m. then 4 a.m. then 6 a.m. Growth spurt? Maybe but it's been several weeks! So finally this week, Mike has been getting up and rocking him to sleep without a feeding and he's back to only one feeding, but it's still him only going 6-8 hours at night. and we are still getting up. So I am tired. So very tired. And a lot less smug about my fantastic night sleeping baby.