Still struggling...

I love that Canada has a one year maternity leave. It's such a blessing to have this time with Z and not have to worry about finances. However, if I went back to work when Z was 9 months old, I think I would be completely okay with it. Well maybe not completely but he was such a handful at that age (hence the getting kicked out of 2 daycares!) and I really was needing a break from him and was starting to get a little excited about going back to work and being able to dress nice and talk to grown ups again. But now, I don't know anymore. He's just turned into such a happy and content baby. He rarely cries, and usually only if something specific is wrong. I am just enjoying being with him and enjoying watching him grow up into this hilariou little person. He's so close to taking his first steps - I want to be there. He's starting to say "ma-ma" and nothing making me happier than knowing he wants me and loves me. I just really am having a hard time with the idea of leaving him. I know I need to, we can't afford me not working but it's hard. It's really hard.