Monday, November 7, 2011

Feeling Helpless...

Z got sick last week. Like really sick, not just me being an over-worried Mama.
I was chatting with my sis on the phone when I hear him start to cry (it's 9:30 at night). Now Z has been a phenomenal sleeper lately but that hasn't been without some work, including us having to let him fall back asleep on his own so I didn't immediately run into his room. But then he just sounded so upset and it really isn't normal for him to wake up crying anymore so I decided to go check on him. What I found broke my heart (and made me feel like an awful mama). My poor little baby had thrown up, all over himself, his blankie and his crib. and he just looked so confused & upset. I jumped into action, picked him up and immediately brought him into the bathroom and started the bath. Thankfully it wasn't 2 a.m. and we were still up and Mike got all his bedding into the washer and changed the sheets. But poor Z, he looked so lost in the bathtub. He wasn't even crying, he was just sitting there not moving and would occasionally touch his tummy. I know my throat always hurts when I'm sick so I gave him some water to drink and he just cuddled on my lap and right at the moment we were getting comfy, he threw up all over me. And the poor kid, he doesn't understand leaning forward so he was throwing up sitting straight and would just cry and cry and gag a bit and then be so confused when I would push him forward. It was awful. He threw up every 20 mins for the next 2 hours. We called Mike's mom (the time difference meant it wasn't late there at all) and asked what to do and then we called Health Link (can you tell this is the first time Z's been sick?). We were told to just give him some amounts of liquids and just help him lean forward when he was vomiting. But seriously, it was the worst night of my life. I felt so helpless & inadequate. I had no idea what to do. Z would be throwing up and I would just cry along with him not knowing what else to do.
But we survived. It was short lived thankfully. He finally went about 45 minutes without throwing up and he was dozing in my arms so I put him back in his crib and attempted to fall asleep. I had little success since every time I heard him cry, I would run into his room. It was a long night. I had texted my dayhome and emailed my work right after he threw up so I didn't have to wake up for work which was nice. He woke up at around 7:30, having gone to bed around midnight and then waking up several times in the night (but thankfully not throwing up). That day he slept from 9:00-12:30, then from 2:30-5:00 and back to bed at 7:30. My heart just broke for my poor tired sick baby. I couldn't get him to eat anything but I managed to get him to drink quite a bit so I felt somewhat comforted. But Z's never been sick before! He's never not ate (this is the kid who regularly outeats me). I was once again feeling helpless & anxious. I had a lot of time on my hands since he was sleeping so much that I just had to really pray and ask for strength and wisdom and guidance.
I really tend to try to do everything myself. I'm always willing to ask Mike for help and I will call complete strangers on Health Link but I don't call out to my Heavenly Father for wisdom. Why is that? Why do I struggle with really seeking God when I'm struggling? Why do I think He's going to judge me? Or think I'm a failure. He knows everything anyways, not asking doesn't mean I'm hiding my inadequacies. I don't have any answers to these questions but I know it's something I really want to work at. I want to have that relationship with God where He is the first person I call out to, not the last.

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