trying to be positive

I hate that i always feel like writing when Z is having a bad day. He's not a bad baby. Really he's not. He smiles a lot and giggles and takes naps like a little pro. He almost always simply closes his eyes and falls asleep when I put him in his crib. All I have to do is read him his story, give him his soother and he simply cuddles up to his little lovey and falls asleep. It's wonderful. But I don't talk about those things. I talk about the days when he cries all freaking day long and when he wakes up 3 times in the night. But is that what I want to remember? What about the time when hubby came home and Z looks up and sees his Daddy and gets the biggest grin on his face? Or the time when we went to California and he was this perfect little angel on the plane? He seriously just sat in my lap and slept for 2 1/2 out of the 3 hours and when he was awake, he was just happily taking his bottle and then playing with his toys. Or the first time he laughed, like really full belly laughed? He basically couldn't stop laughing, it was priceless. Yet thats not what I write about. But thats what I want to remember. The happy times, yes i know life isn't just about the happy times and there will be sad times too. But soon Z will be this little boy with new memories and adventures and I want to remember him being this little happy beautiful baby. The one who falls asleep in my arms when I feed him (and sometimes I do too!) and who smiles with this big giant toothless mouth and giggles with his whole body. I know that sometimes I will need to writing when I'm going insane and I just need to vent but I also want to remember to write about the good times, the happy times. Because there are so many.

make it stop

The shower is running
The dryer is going
The nursery door is closed
My head is under the pillow
I can still hear the crying

Label-less

I've been reading these blogs and there always seems to be these labels for the types of moms. There are the organic moms, the frugal moms, the worrier moms, the green moms, the attached parenting moms, the babywise moms, etc etc. I feel like I should be a "type" but I'm not. I have no idea where I fit in the mommysphere. And sometimes that makes me feel guilty. Like I'm a bad mom or something because I don't have a label. I don't use cloth diapers (although I wouldn't mind using them but hubby really doesn't want to have to deal with them and feels like I would feel overwhelmed with the laundry - and he's right) but I will make my own baby food. Except for the cereal, that seems like too much effort. I think natural births are pretty fantastic but I had an epidural and feel absolutely no guilt about that. I definately don't use the attachment parenting style, but I'm all for baby-wearing (although unfortunately Z isn't as fond of babywearing as I am). Z didn't spend a single night in our room (with the exception of any time we were staying the night elsewhere) and the first time he slept through the night, I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to check to see if he was breathing. I don't believe in "on-demand" nursing and I pretty much count the days until I can wean Z from breastfeeding. I do enjoy the closeness of nursing him but I hate the fact that I can never be away from him for more than 3 hours because it takes me FOREVER to get a bottle. It also drives me crazy that I can't tell if he's taken a full meal or if he's just snacked a little. I don't like the CIO method all that much because it breaks my heart to hear him cry but I do do it occasionally, especially for the late afternoon nap because that seems to be the hardest for him to take. I guess I just feel sometimes that I don't have a parenting style and will that mess up Z? Should I pick a style and commit to it? I do love Babywise because I think the concept of eat, play, sleep is a great idea and I think the notion that babies cry for reasons other than hunger is important, especially when there is the temptation to just shove your breast in their mouth to get them to stop crying. Personally, I have NO idea if he's crying because he's hungry or not so most of the time, going by the clock works. We're pretty flexible. If he's obviously hungry or to be honest, going insane and I can't calm him down, then of course I'll feed him regardless of when he last ate but really it works for us to use a routine. But the other points in Babywise? I don't follow them, they're pretty strict and I think babies need some flexibility in their schedule. And they only work if your baby works on a perfect schedule, I was driving myself crazy expecting Z to do things exactly as the books says.
But in the long run, I think that part of motherhood is figuring out what works for you. Every baby is different. So as much as I kinda wish I could fit into this perfect label, I don't think we're meant to. As long as I love my son, I think it's okay. Hubby & I have two really important tasks as parents - love our child and teach him about Christ's love. And I strive to do that every single day. And really how can you not love this face:

Sleep....

I definately haven't written as much as I want to. I was so determined to try to write down these memories, I have a lot of good ones but it's just so hard to actually stop and write. I feel like if Z stops for a moment, I need to eat, or shower or read a book. But I am realizing how fast he grows and how much life changes. Re-reading my first couple of posts, I can so VIVIDLY remember those moments of him screaming non-stop all day long and realizing how quiet it is these days. He takes naps, he coos and giggles and smiles, he still cries but in general he is a fantabulous baby. The biggest hurdle (and most exhausting) is his night sleeping. I was so smug, when little Z was just 5 weeks old, he slept a solid 8 hours. It was amazing, glorious and kinda painful. Then when he was 8 weeks old, he started doing that regularly, often going 9 hours. He did that right up until he was about 15 weeks old...and then he stopped. He started going to bed earlier and having a EARLY morning feed, which wasn't too terrible. He would feed at like 7:30 and then sleep until 4:30 which is still 9 hours, he even occassionaly did 10.5 hours! But then one day he decided to wake up at 1 a.m. then 4 a.m. then 6 a.m. Growth spurt? Maybe but it's been several weeks! So finally this week, Mike has been getting up and rocking him to sleep without a feeding and he's back to only one feeding, but it's still him only going 6-8 hours at night. and we are still getting up. So I am tired. So very tired. And a lot less smug about my fantastic night sleeping baby.

One year ago

I remember this day so clearly. I woke up, went to work, and tried to ignore that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that said that something isn't right. Something made me fall asleep at 6:30 p.m. last week and something is making coffee give me really bad heartburn. something is making me have to run and pee every five minutes. Something is late...4 days late. There was this part of me that wanted that something to be a pink or blue something but there also a part that was in complete denial - this wasn't our plans. We had just decided on a 3 year plan. Mike will finish his degree and get a YP job and THEN we will jump on the baby train. So I decided I had the flu. My big sis (who was 5 months preg at the time) and I went for a walk (oh how I loved living close by and working with my sister!) at lunch and I started complaining about how I was feeling. She got this uh-oh look in her eyes and asked if maybe it was that time of month, I got that guilty look in my eye and said well....it should be. She encouraged me to take a test, it's better to know. So I got home, told Mike that I needed to take a test. I've taken several pregnancy tests over the years and of course they've all been negative so I wasn't really expecting anything different with this test. But I went into the bathroom, peed on an expensive stick and then waited. And while I waited, something happened that made me assume i wasn't pregnant (lets not go into too much detail, we'll just say Aunt Flo visited - or so I thought) so I was SO positive that it would be negative. I was a little disappointed and kinda annoyed that I spent $15 for nothing. So I went into the bedroom to chat with Mike and then after 4 minutes went back in to take a look...
At that moment my life changed forever. I was shocked, happy, disappointed, scared, terrified, sad, excited and really really unsure of what my future would hold. However, we never looked back. Mike was so amazing. He simply hugged me, looked at that little stick with 2 pink lines on it and said "we're going to have a baby". Then we had taco salad. Life was good.

Surviving

Z is almost 4 weeks old and I feel like I am barely surviving. The first 2 weeks were so great and easy. Z slept pretty much all the time, and when he was awake he was just so happy and cuddly and barely ever cried. But for some reason, once he started his third week, he just changed personalities. He started crying, not just crying but screaming. And nothing will calm him down, I feel like such a horrible mother when there is nothing I can do and I just want to put him down and leave. I just want a break and I don't get to take one. I can't leave him because if he gets hungry, I'm the only one who can help him. Sigh. Plus Mike feels like he can't calm him as well as I can, so he usually ends up passing him to me. Although he is getting better with not doing that. It's just so overwhelming, I'm so responsible for this child. I can never leave him or just go do whatever I want. I need to constantly think about someone else. It's draining. And he never naps which means I never get a break. He's finally sleeping - it's 4 p.m. and it's his first nap of the day which is a little ridiculous. Most babies sleep every couple of hours - not ours. I love him so much but sometimes I just feel like exploding. But then he sleeps in my arms and I look at his peaceful perfect face and I forget the screaming and I just can't believe he's all mine, forever. And everything is okay.

40 hours of labour and 3 trips to the hospital but he's here!

My life has changed so much in just a couple days and I know I will want to remember this and how it all happened.

Thursday night, July 15, 9 p.m. I felt that all too familar tightening of my stomach. I instinctly checked my watch so I could start timing them. It was nothing new but I could always hope. They were about 5 mins apart. Again, nothing new. I had been having contractions 3-5 mins apart off and on for a week now. But they did feel different, the other ones were uncomfortable but these ones just felt more. Not super painful yet but more. I didn't want to go back (yes, back) to the hospital only to be told that no, I'm not in labour, so I just watched countless hours of television while Mike slept blissfully in the bedroom. Well not so blissfully since I woke him up every couple of hours to complain that they were now 3 mins apart and starting to hurt and how the heck do I know whether or not this it. Finally we decided that I might as well go in, that was Friday morning around 9 a.m. Got to the hospital and was informed that I am probably in labour but not far enough along to stay. So we went home and watched A LOT of Gilmore Girls while I waited. They were getting really really painful (or what I thought was painful) so that evening we went back again only to be told the same thing, although this time the doctor told me that she expects me to be back in just a couple hours. I think there was a part of me that thought that the contractions would just stop because I was early and EVERYONE told me that first time mom's never have their babies early. However at abour 4:30 a.m. i started throwing up from the pain and then I went screaming into the bedroom telling Mike that I had to go to the hospital. We didn't even take time to grab anything other than my cell phone (yes I might have texted while I was in labour) and jumped in the car. We had to stop once for me to throw up (what is it about pregnancy that makes me throw up on the side of the highway?) We got to the hospital and got the happy news that this was it! I was finally in labour. Baby was coming and 2 days early! I told myself that I didn't want to be one of those people who immediately asked for pain medication, although I certainly wasn't opposed to the idea of an epidural but I hadn't slept in 2 days and my doctor suggested that if I was planning on getting one, I might as well get it now so I can possibly sleep or at least relax for a couple minutes. I certainly didn't object to that idea and by the time the anestheologist came, he was my FAVORITE person. Once the medication kicked in, Mike went home to get breakfast and grab all the stuff we left at home. Once it wasn't the wee hours of the morning, I called my parents, Mike's parents and texted my sister that I was finally in labour! The time went surprisingly fast at this point. I don't really remember a lot of it. I kinda dozed a bit and ate a lot of ice chips. At around 11:45 a.m. they decided they were going to break my water. That was the WEIRDEST feeling but was also accompanied by the scariest moment in my life. They broke my water and Z hadn't dropped yet so when the water broke, he dropped fast. His little heart couldn't handle it and his heart rate crashed. All I heard was these alarms and all of a sudden all these doctors rushed into the room. They started prepping me for a C-section and trying desperately to get his heart rate. I was terrified, all I remember is asking over and over again if my baby was okay. They had this mask on my face and Mike was just holding my hand and then the doctor looked up and smiled and said that the baby was just fine and the heart rate was back to where they wanted it! God is good! Then the doctor left saying it was time to push and he'll check in periodically. I remember asking the nurses how long this stage would take and she was like oh well it could take a couple hours. I was so exhausted by this point and even with an epidural, I was so uncomfortable. But little Z was anxious to come apparently. The nurses had to almost immediately call the doctor back and at 12:17 p.m. on Saturday July 17 my little miracle was born. He weighed a healthy 7 lbs 8 oz and was 20.3 inches long. Unfortunately his heart rate was still a little slow so he was immediately taken to the warming tray and given a shot of adrenaline because his APGAR score was 2 out of 10! Mike went to check on him and took some pictures so I could see him. They brought him to me so I could hold him for a couple minutes before they took him to the NICU. Unfortunately my placenta was adhered so I had to sit there for several hours while they did a manual removal. I couldn't see my baby for 3 hours! It was so weird. My stomach was empty, I couldn't feel him anymore but he wasn't in my arms. I'm not sure if I really believed them that he was okay. Mike went back and forth checking on him for me. But FINALLY I got to hold him and he was perfect. So little and quiet. Unfortunately he had to stay in the NICU but they wheeled me there every couple of hours so I could nurse him. They also had to give him formula. That was really hard on me, I think I had these thoughts that he would be exclusively breastfed and wouldn't need any formula but I wanted what was best for Z and I knew that he needed more nutrients than my milk could offer him. Thankfully within a couple days, he didn't need formula and was perfectly content to just nurse. My parents came to visit him in the NICU and we could all hold him there. Finally at 1:00 a.m. Z was released from the NICU and brought to my room. I was so tired but so happy to finally have my baby. He just slept beside me in my bed, it was so perfect. Unfortunately we had to wake him every 2 hours to nurse him, give him formula and do a heel prick to check his blood sugar levels but still, I had my baby. Nothing could take that feeling away from me.

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always

I know I'll want to remember this time in my life so I want to start writing it down and I find blogging a lot easier than journal writing. :)
I came home from the hospital yesterday with a little miracle in my arms. I'll write out my birth story another day but today I just want to remember how happy I am. He's perfect, our little miracle.
God has blessed hubby and I so much. Planned or unplanned, a child is such a gift. I want to remember that Z is not ours, he is simply lent to us. It is our job to raise and nurture him and then release him so that he can follow God. I am humbled that I have been entrusted with a child. I am humbled that God will use us to raise one of His children. I pray that we will always seek Christ in our lives and in Z's life. That Z will see Christ modeled in his parents life and that he will grow up to love and follow Christ.
I know that there will be hard times and happy times. Joyful times and sad times. But through it all, I will love this baby.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be