Catch Up of October Photo Challenge

I actually did take a picture every day in October, but didn't get around to blogging them - welcome to life with two kids! But here is a glimpse of our life

Birth Story

I love hearing birth stories. I think it's so interesting how it seems like every woman and every pregnancy has a completely different birth story. In some ways, Baby K's birth story isn't that different from Z's but it's also completely different. I have an irritable uterus so I get contractions pretty much constantly starting from my third trimester on. Which makes it extremely difficult to tell whether or not I'm in labour. As such, I went to the hospital an embarrassing number of times during my pregnancy with Baby K. I went several times with Z as well but I definitely beat that number with Baby K. I think it was 5 times at least. However, the big difference was that with Z, I went three times leading up to his birth (Friday morning, Friday night and Saturday and he was born on Saturday) while with Baby K, I went twice in July, once in August and then twice in September (the 2nd time being when I was finally in labour). But in the end, that just doesn't matter. Thursday, September 20 seemed like any other day. Unlike with Z, I wasn't in labour all night, waking up feeling like this must be it. I went to the Ladies Morning Out group that I joined at our church and I was having contractions during the session, but that doesn't really make me panic or think I'm in labour - that's just my norm. They were more painful, I was having a hard time concentrating on the lesson, but they weren't super close, only like 10-15 minutes apart. That's the other thing that was really different, with Z, my contractions started at 3-5 mins apart so I was expecting that as well. I was even joking about the contractions with some of the ladies at the bible study that day and I went home thinking it would still be awhile. It was only 2 days before my due date (coincidently, I had Z two days early) so I was starting to pay more attention to my contractions but I was so sure I would be late since I had felt like I had been pregnant forever. I got home and put Z down for his nap and hubby came home for lunch. He even asked me at lunch if I thought he should stay home but I said no, I didn't want him to miss any work for a false alarm and I was determined that I will only go in when I'm sure. I called my sister when he left and we chatted and I still was having contractions but they were still 10ish minutes apart and I didn't feel like they were super regular so I told her I wasn't going to go in. But as soon as I hung up with her, they started getting closer together and were getting more intense as well. I decided to call hubby and get his opinion, he thought we should go in so he came home from work and I called my parents to have them pick up Z.
We got to the hospital around 4:30 p.m. and checked in, a process I'm VERY familiar with. I got to the assessment room and the nurse checked me and decided that I was not in labour. A fact that made me want to cry. But then she said that I had a labour feel to me and she thought I was going to go very soon so instead of sending me home, she wanted me to go for an hour long walk to see if that would kick me into high gear. So we walked to the mall, got some food in case I was in labour and wouldn't be allowed to eat and then walked back to the hospital. I couldn't tell if I was having more contractions or what because the steady walking was making me cramp so consistently that I couldn't tell what was contractions and what was just cramps so I had no idea what was happening. I got back to the assessment room and the nurse said I was still 3 cm dilated and I would probably be going home but she had to check with the doctor, I didn't recognize the name but she said it would be awhile because he was in surgery. I was starting to have really painful contractions at that point and about 3 minutes apart so I was not happy with that news. Right when I was having a really painful contraction, my doctor came in which made me so happy because she knows my history and I just really like her. Apparently she had just started her shift and heard I was there so she came to see me. She checked me and said I was 3 cm so I thought for sure I was going home since the nurse had basically discharged me already. Then she asked what type of pain medication I was planning during labour so I said epidural but I thought she was just asking but then she turned to the nurse and said lets arrange that for her. Hubby and I just looked at her in confusion and I asked if that meant I was in labour. She said that I was close to a 4 (which is when they admit you) and with how painful my contractions were, she wasn't going to send me home. Hallelujah! So they got me set up in a delivery room and started an IV. I thought they had started me on Oxytocin because my contractions got so intense after that but apparently it was just fluids. I had to wait a bit for the epidural but oh man, it was worth the wait. It was about 7 p.m. by the time I got admitted to a delivery room. At about 8:30 p.m. I was just at 4 cm and not progressing so they decided to break my water. That took a bit of work but eventually she was able to. I felt like things were going really slowly, they checked me at 10:45 and I was at 5 cm. But after that, it started to get really painful. I had an epidural but the contractions were getting super intense and I felt like they were just constant. I told the nurse how much it hurt and she ordered me a top up of my epidural but unfortunately we ended up not having time for that. She checked me at 11:00 and I was almost 6 cm and then it just went from there. My epidural wasn't able to keep up with how fast I was progressing, every time she checked I was further along and feeling the need to push. At 11:20 I was 10 cm and ready to push and with just 2 intense pushes, my beautiful little boy was born at 11:25 p.m. on Thursday, September 20 weighing 7 lbs 15 oz.
I was able to hold him immediately, something I was not able to do with Z and we were able to start nursing in the delivery room. He had a great latch and nursed for twenty minutes before we needed to move to the recovery room. I was feeling great and Baby K just seemed so quiet and content. We nursed again and then he fell asleep in my arms. I wasn't able to sleep but I was on such a high, that I didn't feel tired at all. I sent hubby home and just waited for morning. My doctor came in and said I was doing great and asked if I wanted to go home that day or if I wanted to spend a night. Remembering how poorly both Z and I slept in the hospital, I said I would go home as soon as possible. She discharged me and I just had to wait for baby K to be seen by the paediatrician and at 9 a.m. I was sitting at home.
Life is good.

October photo challenge

Day 2: Z decided he needed some reading materials with his afternoon snack

Day 3: Lemon loaf!

Day 4: Mike surprised me with this beautiful Sapphire ring which is the new baby's birthstone

October goal

I don't usually jump on bandwagons but I love the idea of taking a picture daily during October and sharing it. I think it will encourage me to take more pictures and to blog more.
Yesterday we took the boys to Starbucks so I could get a pumpkin spice latte and because Z was being so whiny and we thought a walk would do him good. However we got caught in this crazy windstorm which scared him and he got dust in his eyes so he wasn't overly thrilled but after hiding out in Superstore for half an hour, it calmed down and we were treated to a beautiful fall day. I love the colors and the leaves and just the crispness of the air.

New Arrival!

I've been a little behind on my blogging. I keep thinking of these hilarious moments or projects or heartbreaks that I want to blog but then life just keeps happening. But the "Big Event" finally happened. Hubby and I can welcome a new member to our family. Baby K was born on September 20 at 11:35 p.m. weighing 7 lbs 15 oz. He is absolutely beautiful.

We are so blessed. Z is a wonderful big brother, he runs around asking for Baby and is always willing to bring us blankets, soothers, diapers, whatever we need. He is very interested in diaper changes and the idea that diapers are for babies actually seems to be helping the potty training process!
It's hard to believe that we are a family of four now. Its hard to believe that I have two beautiful sons. It's hard to believe how blessed I am but I need to remind myself of that. I know that the sleepless nights are hard and that the countless diaper changes (and now lets add soiled undies to the list!) are frustrating and the crying and whining can be beyond irritating but in the end it's so worth it.

Grieving the loss of an only child

This is my last couple of  days/weeks with Z being my only child. With him being my life and getting 100% of my attention. Of him crying and me immediately being able to get him. Of my lap always being open for him. I'm so excited to add another child into our home. I think siblings are such a blessing, I have three of them and wouldn't trade them for anything but I also am grieving the loss of my only child. I'm so excited to have another baby, to get to snuggle the cute little newborn, to watch excitedly for first smiles and roll-overs and giggles. But I'm also sad that it does mean that Z will struggle with splitting my time, he'll struggle with jealousy and not understanding why mommy can't just come running when he calls anymore. I hate the idea of my precious baby struggling but I also know I can't avoid it. I know in the long run, he'll love his baby brother or sister and I know he'll be thankful hubby and I gave him the gift of a siblings but it's hard. I pray that God gives me the patience and energy to still devote my time to him as well, I pray that God gives him the patience (as much patience as a two year old can have) to wait while I deal with his sibling and I really pray that Z will love and cherish his little brother/sister. I look forward to seeing him in the role of a big brother. I think he'll love helping me out, he just loves to bring me things or to put things away for me. I think he'll be really curious by this new addition, he already is so fascinated by babies when we see them.
I'm so thankful that hubby can take 6 weeks off when baby comes (which will hopefully be VERY soon!!!), I'm hoping that will help Z with the transition. The first six weeks tends to be a time when baby is very attached to the mom and dad can't do as much so I'm hoping we can use that time to allow Z to have some very important Daddy-time.

Officially Full Term

Well I feel gigantic and really uncomfortable but I am in my 37th week - less than 4 weeks until my due date which means I am officially full term. We weren't so sure I'd make it this far so part of me wants to celebrate that but another part of me is just so done with being pregnant. In some ways it's sad, I can't really say I've appreciated this pregnancy since I am just sick & tired of being pregnant and all I want is to have this baby. But I guess that's life and probably what every 9 month pregnant woman feels. Although I think one of the reasons this is so weird for me is that I didn't feel that way with Z. I had the annoying contractions with him but not this bad. I keep getting painfulish (definitely not labour painful) contractions that make me hope it's the beginning and then start far apart (Z's never did that either, I started at 3 mins apart) and then get closer which is also supposedly how labour progresses but once I have them for about 30 mins at 3 mins apart, they just stop. :( I also never felt super huge & uncomfortable with Z, in fact I was always a little sad that I never got to be that huge pregnant lady. Well now I do get to be that huge pregnant lady and I'm not so sure why I was sad last time!
So basically I just want to have this baby. Today.
I shall be doing jumping jacks all morning, I'll update tomorrow to see if it worked.

Hoping life will settle down

As I typed the title I had to laugh a little. I'm 35 weeks pregnant...life isn't going to settle down any time soon. I am finally feeling better, I was placed on modified bed rest and taken off work at 29 weeks because I have an irritable uterus and it basically just gets pissed off at me if I do too much. Good times. That took several weeks in bed and several trips to the hospital to get under control (hubby doesn't even come with me to the hospital any more, he just drops me off and tells me to text him if I'm having the baby) but it is finally under control and I can move more than to the bathroom without triggering contractions! Of course I still randomly get contractions which means I will probably never actually know whether or not I'm in labour until baby is already here but hey, what's life without some excitement?
But we are moved into our new home! yay! I love it. It's beautiful. There is still so much I want to do with it but it's definitely coming together. It took us a month (mainly because my doctor put me on the modified bed rest the day we took possession of our house - great timing!) but we got Z's room painted and decorated. It looks amazing!
We also finally have 90% of the boxes unpacked and the basement mostly organized. We had a bit of a timeline with that one since my sister is coming tomorrow with her 2 kids to spend a week with me so we really needed to get it liveable down there but it looks great. We bought a sectional and set up the TV downstairs (I'm loving not having a TV on the main level!). We are also in the process of buying new appliances so soon I will be able to do dishes without completely cleaning them first and not having to keep checking the freezer to make sure it still works! :)
The last thing on our "to-do" list (well at least the "to-do soon" list) is the nursery. My sister loves to paint thankfully so she has volunteered to help hubby paint it the week she is here so we picked up the paint and hubby got the room all prepped for painting and hopefully by the end of next week we will be able to move the furniture in (currently the rocking chair is in our living room and the bassinet & dresser is in the master bedroom) which will also really help with decluttering the house! I still need to make sheets for the bassinet (currently they are blue stripes which is fine but since we don't know what we having, I think I'm going to make a star patterned set to match the room) and I need to buy the decal for the wall. But you can't put decals up for at least 3 weeks after you paint so I have some time for that. I thought about making a mobile but we'll see if I get around to that. I also want to buy letters (but that will have to wait for baby to come) to spell out baby's name over the crib.
But things are coming together and I'm finally feeling more settled. Of course the second I finish and start to feel like I have a second to breath - thats when baby will come and life will be crazy again! :)

Happy Birthday my son!

My dearest Z,
You are two today. How did that happen? How did you go from two lines on a pregnancy stick to this crazy, loud, kamikaze two year old? You are running, laughing, talking and full of energy. You don't have as many words as I would like, but I also know there will be a time very soon where I will be wishing you had less words! But the words you do have are so precious to me. The other day you were walking out the door with your Daddy to the dayhome and I said I love you to you two and you looked back and said love you. I cried when the door closed. I know you love me. I know you think I'm the best mommy ever but to hear my precious little boy tell me that he loves me is the greatest gift I could ever be given.
You love to sleep, which is a little bit ironic since you never seem to stop moving but I guess you are just so active you crash when you are able to. You still take 3 hour naps every day, sometimes we have to wake you up so you won't go to bed too late. You have your routines, you need us to hold your hand and pray with you. You want your Bible read to you (you ask very loudly for your Bible almost constantly!) and then you need Elmo and your froggie blankets (both of them) and then you quietly drift off to sleep. And then for the first time all day, you are silent and peaceful. I love watching you sleep. I bought a video monitor for your new siblings but I love watching you on it. I might have to buy a second camera unit just so I can keep watching you sleep at night.
You have had a crazy year. I went back to work, going back to work was so hard. I wanted to stay home with you but I also wanted to work. It was a really hard decision but you are the most adaptable kid. I found an amazing dayhome and you have found 3 little boys who have become your best friends. I love going to the dayhome and watching you play with them. I love that you are so good at sharing (usually) and that you have such a love for your friends. I love how it can take us 20 minutes to leave because you need to hug and say bye-bye to everyone before we can leave. In a little over a month, you will be home full-time with me again, and although I do like my job and I was glad I went back to work, I am so excited to be home with you again. My heart was starting to break every time I had to drop you off and I am counting down the days until I never have to do that again. You can be a handful, you have so much energy and you never stop moving, but you are also a cuddler and love to sit in my lap.
I thank God every day for you, you are a blessing to me and Daddy and we love you so much. I look forward to this upcoming year, watching your vocabulary grow and you learn new things. I'm excited to see you become a big brother, I know you will be a great one.
I'm so excited to see what this year brings us! Happy Birthday my love!

Forever and Always,
Your Mommy

Holy Busyness Batman!

So in a span of about two weeks we sold our condo, I broke my ankle, we bought a new house, started potty training (going surprisingly well considering how crazy our lives are), and am now attempting to pack the condo while being 6 months pregnant with a broken leg.

Mommy guilt

Someone else is raising my child. Some people might say thats an unfair statement and working parents are still the primary caregivers in their child's life but I figured it out yesterday, excluding night time (since the munchkin is sleeping so I'm really not doing much parenting during that time), I have Z for 34 hours a week. Kirby (my dayhome provider) has him for 45 hours a week. Thats depressing. She has Z for 11 hours longer a week than I do. And a lot of my time with him is occupied with other things. A good hour every day after work is spent around dinner. Then on the weekends, he's sleeping for clost to 3 hours a day. We have church and family functions which take away a lot of our time together.
She is the one who takes him outside to the park, who works on potty training, who hears all the new words coming out of his mouth. She is the one who kisses his owies and cuts up his grapes. She gets the sleepy hugs when he wakes up and the grumpy ones when he's going to bed. I want that. I miss those things. Everyday when I go to work and I look at my desktop background of Z smiling at me, I want to cry. I was SO ready to go back to work and I loved putting on nice clothes and having adult conversation and not wiping bums and struggling to feed a fussy toddler but I'm so done with it now. I want to go back to the bum wiping and food struggles. I want to be able to stay at home with Z and make pictures with him and go for walks and all that fun stuff. I think part of it is that it's summer and there is just so much fun stuff we can do together in the summer, we are so cooped up the winter that we both go a little stir crazy that it was kinda nice that Z could go to the dayhome and have other babies to play with but in the summer, I just want to be with him. I am going on maternity leave in just 3 months, thats not that long. But it's all summer. I'll be leaving end of August which means I might have a couple weeks of nice weather with Z at home but I will be 9 months pregnant and then I'll have a newborn and it won't just be me & Z anymore. And that makes me sad. I want to be home with him right now, when I still have energy and can still go outside and play with him. But it wouldn't make any sense for me to leave my job a couple months before I qualify for a full year of maternity leave. But I want to.
Sigh.
It's been a bad week. I think coming back from vacation and having Z with me that whole time (plus the week before the dayhome was closed due to pink eye so hubby & I took turns staying home with him) was just so nice and reminded me how much fun he is right now. And how much I'm missing. I'm sick of missing these things. I'm sick of not being there. I'm sick of picking Z up, making dinner, doing bathtime and then putting him to bed and feeling like I didn't really get to see my baby all day.
I know I should be blessed that I have a great job, I have a fantastic dayhome and I live in a country that gives me a year paid to stay home on maternity leave. But to be honest, today I'm not feeling very thankful. Just sad.

Traveling with a toddler

Not as scary as I thought. Z is a well-traveled baby. In the last 6 months alone, he has traveled to California, Hawaii and back to Califonia. Considering we don't live in the US, thats pretty impressive. The kid has more stamps on his passport at 22 months than I had at age 18. But I always worry because as he gets older, he gets more active and less willing to sit in my lap. But he has always been a great little traveler. Case in point:

Here are my tips for traveling:

1. Something new, I had made an airplane tray cover which had velcro on it which was pretty much the most exciting thing ever to a toddler
2. Snacks - little fruit snacks that you can doll out on at a time are especially handy when you are taking off and they have to sit still and can't play with the seat tray
3. Books, a new one and then a couple favorites
4. Sticker books - the best kinds are the ones with reusable stickers. I bought mine at the dollar store so the stickers weren't really all the reusable but they don't really stick all that well which means you aren't scraping stickers off the seat trays - plus they stick to the windows which is always fun
5. Anything with buttons, even a calcular is exciting to a 2 year old!
6. Wipes - even if you aren't doing diapers anymore, they are so handy for so many things!
7. Ask for an extra seat, if there are any extra seats, they are usually more than willing to switch things around so the couple traveling with a baby has an extra seat - it makes life so much easier! We've only had it once in our many, many flights where we didn't get an extra seat and that was when we were flying at Christmas.
8. Ask for a seat in the back, by the bathroom. This way you won't get stuck by the refreshment cart when you really need to go (helpful for emergency diaper changes and pregnant moms!)
9. Backpack leash - this might be a little controversial but airports scare me. I'm really not one of those people that think someone is constantly trying to steal my kid but there is something about airports that freak me out, maybe it's that Z is still a lapbaby and even if he's not on our ticket, they let us take him on the plane sometimes. That always makes me feel like someone could grab him and bring him on a plane with them and who knows where they would end up. Anyways, to soothe my paranoid heart, I love our backpack leash. Z doesn't like a stroller and he loves to run and his pregnant waddling mama can't always keep up but at least with the backpack leash, he can run a certain distance away from me but he's still attached to me and can't get too far away from me.

Happy Travels!

Hands on Dads

I love the world we live in...most of the time.
I was driving to work today and I saw a dad pushing a stroller down the street. Then I got to work and there was a dad on the train dropping his kids off at the daycare on his way to work. These dads are hands on, they change diapers, they know their kids feeding schedules and they will gladly stay home and play with the kids so mom can get a break.
I think thats the way things should be. I'm blessed with a husband who LOVES to spend time with our son. He sometimes takes Z to the park after work so I can relax and get dinner started without a toddler running around. Or he gets home and starts dinner so I can just play with Z at the end of the day. If Z needs a diaper change, he probably will try to convince me to do it but he's alone or I'm tired, he will change a bum without complaint. He does bath time and stays home when Z is sick and takes Z to the daycare. He is a hands on Dad and thats the way I think it should be. My mom was telling me that my dad almost missed me being born because he didn't want to leave work too early because he wasn't going to get any time off for me being born. How crazy is that? My mom had 4 kids and they didn't live near any family but still my Dad was expected to be at work. When Z was born, hubby was beside me the entire time and he took 2 weeks off afterwards. He will actually be taking at least 3 weeks off this time since his work will top up his paternity leave so he will actually still be paid full salary while he's off. I think the idea of father's being so involved in their kids life is amazing. I think it's God's plan. It's modeling a loving father, a loving husband and a man of God in their lives. I love that it's becoming more common because I really think absent fathers contribute to the high divorce rate in families and although I know that even amazing parents can raise troubled teens, I think having a father home and available does help with those adolescent years. I love hearing about stay at home dads, my husband actually talked about doing that since at the time I made more money than he did but we decided against that but if that had been the best decision for our family, I know it would have worked well and he would have enjoyed that. And our house probably would have been cleaner! :)
I just think God has called us to be family and that involves Mom, Dad and baby! (soon to be babies!)

Celebrating Life

The last week and a half has been hard. We were really counting on hubby getting into the police and it was a huge disappointment but I'm so proud of him. Instead of just being pissed off and giving up (which is probably what I would have done) he instead contacted his case manager asking what he could do to improve, he is training more, he's going to go on a ride a long and he's working really hard to make himself into the best possible candidate. He is turning to God and just asking God to direct him in his next move. He is trying to see the reasons why instead of focusing on all the why nots. I'm just so amazed at his strength, faith and dedication to our family.
And speaking of our family, I've officially passed the half way mark! I'm feeling really good these days, I'm still tired ALL the time but beyond that, I feel great. When I am awake, I feel like I have energy. It doesn't last long but at least I can enjoy my family again.
We took Z to the space & science center in our city yesterday - so much fun! They have a little toddler area with water tables and an airplace and a giant piano! We love it there!

Also, I got to rock out my new clearance rack dress! I love me a good sale! :)
So all in all, life is good. We are taking a slightly different path than we thought we would but thats okay. God is in control. I firmly believe that and I believe that He knows why so even if we don't, I'm okay with that right now.

Not the news we wanted...

So we aren't waiting anymore. But it wasn't good news. Hubby got deferred for three years!  which seems really excessive since there wasn't really anything in particular they were saying as a reason, just a couple minor things in his past, that wasn't exactly recent anyways or even really bad. But thats life. I was really upset when we first heard but I'm okay now. Our friend was deferred and appealed it down to a year so he might look at that but even if he does have to wait the full 3 years, we are okay with that. We really do feel that God is in control and even though we don't know the reason, there is a reason that he was deferred. It's frustrated and disheartening for my man but he has really been trying to seek out God's wisdom in all this. Maybe God knew we couldn't handle life with a newborn with him in training or maybe God has something better in store for us. We don't know. But I'm trying to seek God in all this and understand why or at least understand that God knows best. I think hubby is doing a better job of this because I think he knew the process wasn't going great while I was trying to be positive and assume the best so I was a lot more surprised. But I just feel bad for him. He's had so much disappoitment job-wise, it's not fair. But I also know that he is still young and if he still wants to be a cop and if he applies again in 3 years, he will still be under 30 so he will still have lots of time to do this.
So I'm just really needing to seek God, support my man and just realize that we are so incredibly blessed.

Baby!

I can't believe how clear and perfect my ultrasound picture is. This is "Beta" (my husband is a greek nerd) at 20 weeks!

Joys of being pregnant

1. No one blinks twice when you take naps on your lunch break
2. You can get away with wearing jeans to work because really, who wants to buy more than 2 pairs of maternity dress pants?
3. People bring you flowers (for some reason, I've gotten a lot of flowers lately)
4. If you forget to do something, people are way more understanding
5. If you get too busy at work, people start pushing you to take a break - for the baby
6. You can always be eating and no one is judging you
7. You can rub your belly a lot
8. You can wear your comfy shoes
9. People give up their seats for you on the train
10. You can go to bed at the same time as your 2 year old!

Waiting

I don't think people realize that it's hard to become a police officer. It's not like you can just wake up and decide, today I want to be a cop so you go into the police station, fill out an application and start academy. Nope, it's a LONG process. First, you have the application. That along takes a ridiculously long time to fill out. What makes it even more fun is if you are an American living in Canada who went to high school in the states. If you did, you then need a certificate stating that your high school degree is equal to a Canadian high school degree. Which seems really pointless when you not only have a high school degree and a bachelors degree, but you also have a half a Masters. But hey, rules are rules. So that is $200 and 14 weeks of waiting. Then you FINALLY get to fill out the application form, which again takes a freaking long time to fill out. Then they call you and you have to do a physical and an exam. Thankfully due to that 14 weeks of waiting for a certificate, you have been to the gym constantly so you pass the physically and again due to the fact that you have half a Masters degree when the requirements are a high school diploma, you pass the exam. Then you have the personal disclosure interview. They meet with you and ask about EVERY little thing you've done in your life. You leave feeling like you are a horrible person even though the worse thing you've done is forgot to pay for that box of diapers once. Then you have a behaviour interview, which is surprisingly not as scary. So thats good, a small break. The next thing is the polygraph, you're not nervous going in but holy crap, once they prep you and hook you up, you are nervous! Then they start asking you all these questions about little "blips" and you think you must have failed but apparently not, because they send you for the psych eval and medical exam. Even those you feel like you are failing, you're foot is a little flat, hmm you're blood pressure is a little low, wow your hearing in your right ear is just barely at the pass limit....

After all that, you wait.

That is where we are now. We are waiting. We have heard that my husband has officially "passed" all the steps of the application process and his file will be going to the hiring board but thats where we are at. Waiting.

And really, after all this, he may not get in. We have to remind ourselves of that fact, even making it to the end doesn't mean you will get hired. It is a very competitive field. You don't just decide to become a cop and then you are one, you have to apply and hope you get in and then you get to go through training and you have to pass training before you are in. I think the media really makes it seem like you can just into training and then if you make it through, you are a cop but really, that might be how it is in some places, but here, there is a LOT of steps before you go into training. But personally, those steps don't bother me. Even the annoying need for the certificate proving he had a high school diploma wasn't that bad, it gave us time to pray and really decide if this is what your family wants to do. It's the waiting that I'm struggling with. I hate waiting.

My hubby is at the point where I think he's stopped caring, he hasn't felt positive about any of this process so he just wants to know one way or the other. But all our other friends who are members of the police in our city have said that the process is basically just meant to break out and if you make it through, thats a great sign. Apparently they all felt like crap leaving each step as well and they made it in so I'm trying to be positive.

But seriously, waiting. This sucks.

Cannot wait for that phone call!

My heart is breaking

I don't understand God sometimes. Okay, most of the time but today, not only do I not understand God, I'm really mad at the way God is running this world.

A couple from our Bible Study, a wonderful, beautiful Jesus-loving couple was expecting a baby. She was 9 months pregnant. 9 freaking months. And they found out yesterday that the baby's heart stopped beating. Just like that. at 9 months they find out their baby has died. She has the nursery picked out, she is on maternity leave, they bought diapers and baby clothes and picked out names. I'm not saying a miscarriage isn't incredibly difficult but it is different. She could feel the baby move constantly, count the kicks and just sit and dream. She could have gone into labour naturally and had a healthly baby but instead she is currently in labour knowing that her baby is already gone. I can't imagine how heartbreaking that would be, how incredibly impossible it would be to have the motivation to push. Her due date is next Monday, less than a week away. She was just in for a stress test last week and we were laughing about how relaxing that is because you get juice and a magazine and you get to watch your baby's heartbeat and now that baby is gone. I can't understand this. I can't pretend that I know what to say or do in this situation, all I want to do is grieve for her, her husband and this huge incredible loss. And be a little angry at God for them.

Gotta start them young!

My life is good

I finally don't feel like crap. I think that deserves a whole post. This has been the longest, most exhausting and just unfun 3 months of my life. When I was pregnant with Z, I didn't really feel all that bad my first trimester, I had some other fun complications that were terrifying but feeling sick - nope, I felt pretty good. I think I threw up like three times my whole pregnancy (not including a nasty bout of the flu) and one of those times was when I was in labour but this time? If I threw up three times a day, it was a good day. And the exhaustion? Seriously? How am I so tired ALL THE TIME. I go to bed at like 7:30, I put Z to bed, pretend I'm going to do some dishes but instead run a bath and then fall asleep on the bed thinking I'll actually get up again. That was my life for the last 3 months? But finally, I am actually able to do things again and people know I'm pregnant so I can stop wearing really baggy patterned shirts in an attempt to hide my belly. Which apparently didn't work since when I finally told work people they were all like ya, we kinda were starting to think so... but now I can wear all these cute maternity shirts that accents instead of hides the belly which makes me happy :)
And Z seems happy about becoming a big brother, well he actually has no idea but he loves touching my tummy and blowing kisses to Beta (which is what my nerdy hubby has named the baby). So that makes my heart really happy. Actually a lot of things make my heart happy. I was lying in bed the other day just thinking about how perfect my life is. I have this hilariously adorable 20 month old running around, I have a healthy baby growing inside me (hello, how cool is it that we can grow a baby? I mean really - so cool!) and I have this really hot man who LOVES me ridiculously. My life is good.

my love/hate relationship with pinterest

I think I'm obsessed with pinterest...and obviously not blogging since the last time I blogged was November. Part of it is a ridiculously busy winter. We went to California for Christmas which was so much fun and then Hawaii in January and then I found out some HUGE news that I couldn't share but now I can - I'm pregnant! yay!!! So excited. I'm still keeping it from work peeps which is hard since I'm definately showing (so did not realize how much faster that happens with second babies!) so I'm wearing a lot of prints, some poofy shirts and a lot of sweaters but I think I'm going to give up on that soon and tell the world. But because of the whole baby #2 thing, we are looking at moving and pinterest has been helping me design my dream home. I seriously could spend HOURS on that site looking at fantastic ideas on baby rooms, kids area (which is probably the number one thing I want in our new house - a place just for Z), a scrapbooking room (although I think Z's baby album is sitting at him being 3 months old...hmmm), a fitness area and of course the fantastic "command center" in the kitchen. Yep, my dream house is going to be awesome. But I also need to remind myself that we are two twenty-somethings who will be going down to one salary soon (although praise Canada and it's maternity leave, that will be happening much later for me!) and God calls us to be content with what we have and I firmly believe that going into debt for the "dream" is not what He calls us to do. So I also have slow down and maybe stop posting all these pins about my dream house and learn to make due with what we have. Or will have. Because making due or not, I still want to move out of our 2 bedroom condo in something bigger and somewhere not having condo fees. But I also know that I may not have the dream house right now, but really, I'm 24 - do I need the dream house? My parents have 4 kids in a trailer and barely had money for groceries when they were in their twenties - why do I think I deserve so much more? I think one of the problems with our culture is entitlement, we all think we deserve what our parents have but we forget that it took them thirty years to get there, we want it when we graduate from high school.
One of the big things I want to work in my life is budgetting. Now Mike and I have very little debt, except due to me deciding to not stop at a red light, we had to buy a new vehicle so we do have a small loan for that but thats it. We pay off our credit card every month and we have auto payments set up so we can pay off our loan before Beta (aka Baby #2) comes. Because of that, it's easy to think we're good with money. But we're not. We never spend more than we make which is good but we always manage to never save what we should...or worse, forget to tithe and then just spend that money. We spend the money for the Church, for God on new clothes and eating out. How is that good budgetting? How is that being wise with what God has given us? It's not. It's being unthankful and selfish with our money and I don't want that. I don't want my son to think it's okay to "forget" to tithe and then just not have any money at the end of the month. I don't want that to be a precident in my life. I think we're doing great because we still have $500 in our account so I go to pinterest and see this great pair of boots or this amazing idea for the house and I think, we can afford that, I deserve that and whoops, there goes my money for God. It's not okay. I need to make sure thats not okay.
So my goal for March is to only look for recipes on pinterest, just ignore stuff for the house, ignore the cute outfits and ignore the "dream" renos. If I can't do that, then I have to ignore pinterest because I need to make sure I start being less selfish and start really appreciating all the blessings that God has given to me. I have a beautiful condo, I have a fantastic husband (who cooks, cleans and puts up with his exhausted pregnant wife going to bed at 7:30 every night!), I have a hilarious precious little boy and my body is currently growing a miracle. My life is good. It's time I start being thankful for that. I don't need a big beautiful house with a separate room for all my junk, I don't need professional maternity or newborn photos, I don't need all that stuff, I have everything I need.