This is when Daddy dresses the baby

Adorable Farmer Z! :)

Wierd things my kid does....

giving up control....

I am an emotional wreck.

I blame the kid.

Or my hormones.

Or my husband.

It's not not me though.< /div>

Z has been waking up at 5:15 every morning last week, then miracles of miracles, he woke up at 7:00 a.m. on Monday and I thought it was fixed. But then yesterday, 4:15 a.m. wake up.

So out of exhaustion and desperation, I tried to think what could be causing this. My first thought (and it's something thats been going on for months) is his naps. Z is a sleepy baby, he takes 2 naps a day still and they are often close to 2 hours each. Thats a LONG time. and I know it's more than normal so I was worried his naps were causing him to not sleep as well at night. This has been mentioned in the past to his dayhome but it didn't really go well. She believes in letting kids sleep when they need to sleep and all the kids (there is 3) sleep at the same time so it's been working really well. So when I suggested again that we look at cutting back his naps, she kinda just said no. Which REALLY upset me. I love working but I struggle with giving up the control in my kids life and I really don't want to. We both got a little defensive and although not a lot had been said (we were emailing) we were getting frustrated and I think reading into things so we decided to talk over coffee. I was really upset by this point, Kirby actually hadn't said a lot but I was just feeling like I was getting no say in my childs life and I was feeling like she felt she knew what was best for Z and didn't think I knew what I was talking about.

So I called Mike in tears and just got really emotional and upset. Which makes me sick usually. I only had an hour left in my day and I just left to go to talk to Kirby, I knew I wouldn't get any work done so I might as well leave and deal with this.

Thankfully, Kirby shares my beliefs and is willing to talk things out. We prayed and then had coffee and chatted. We both were taking offence at things that were not meant to be offensive so it was really good to talk. I think the biggest thing for me is that I'm struggling with not having that say in my childs life. I don't want to give up control and it's so hard for me to know that I don't necessarily have final say. Well I do, I can take Z out of the dayhome but I LOVE my dayhome. But I do have to work with her routine if I want him there. And I guess I'm just struggling with that. I want all the control and I can't it.

No time to run...

I was reading a blog entry today: http://omyfamilyblog.com/2011/11/thirteen-point-one/ by this woman who I really respect. She has 2 little kids (I think one is a little over two and the other is 6 months) and she is a SAHM who loves Jesus and has a gift for honest writing and just being open with the world about her struggles. She lives in the states but not in one of those warm climate states and she just ran a 1/2 marathon this weekend. And I can think is HOW? How did this woman find time to train for a 1/2 marathon? How did she get herself out several times a week for run for a couple hours? I'm amazing, completely jealous and just missing running. I love to run. I'm pretty slow and I start forgetting about my love for running around Mile 3 but thats okay. But I haven't ran in a week and that was my first time running in several weeks. It's freaking cold outside and I don't have a treadmill (although I don't think this mom does either from her posts) and I don't have time. I get home from work at around 5:00 p.m. (and it's basically cold and dark at that time), make dinner, get Z cleaned up and in bed and it's 7:30. The last thing I feel like doing is going outside and running. Especially now because it's pitch black outside. But even when it was beautiful out, I never did. And now that Winter is here - what am I going to do? Last year Z was little and able to sleep in the stroller but this year? No way. My kid HATES the stroller. He will last about 10 minutes, maybe 15 if we give him a snack. But he wants to move, he wants to be running or pushing the stroller not having to sit still. It's so frustrating. I just want to be able to get out and I don't feel like I can. But maybe thats on me. How often did I do it when I was able to? Yes, when Z was little we ran a lot. We did a 5K last Mothers Day but have barely ran since then. I was home until August and I could have at least gone out when Mike came home but I didn't...

I just feel inactive, unhealthy and lethargic. And I truly don't know what to do. I guess I have these video exercises and I could go out on the weekends but I don't. So maybe I need to stop complaining and just do it?

I miss my old life, when I could get home from work and go for a run and not worry about diapers and strollers and having dinner at a specific time. But then I think about it and I know I would never change it for anything. I would NEVER not want to have Z just for a little extra freedom. My old life was fine when I didn't know better but it's nothing compared to my new life.

Wow I feel like I went on a tanget with this entry. It started off with my amazement that Allison at @OmyFamilyblog.com found time to run a marathon to me missing my old life... but I guess thats why I write. So I can figure out what I'm feeling :)

Still catching up

This was Z Friday morning before going to the day home.

Feeling Helpless...

Z got sick last week. Like really sick, not just me being an over-worried Mama.

I was chatting with my sis on the phone when I hear him start to cry (it's 9:30 at night). Now Z has been a phenomenal sleeper lately but that hasn't been without some work, including us having to let him fall back asleep on his own so I didn't immediately run into his room. But then he just sounded so upset and it really isn't normal for him to wake up crying anymore so I decided to go check on him. What I found broke my heart (and made me feel like an awful mama). My poor little baby had thrown up, all over himself, his blankie and his crib. and he just looked so confused & upset. I jumped into action, picked him up and immediately brought him into the bathroom and started the bath. Thankfully it wasn't 2 a.m. and we were still up and Mike got all his bedding into the washer and changed the sheets. But poor Z, he looked so lost in the bathtub. He wasn't even crying, he was just sitting there not moving and would occasionally touch his tummy. I know my throat always hurts when I'm sick so I gave him some water to drink and he just cuddled on my lap and right at the moment we were getting comfy, he threw up all over me. And the poor kid, he doesn't understand leaning forward so he was throwing up sitting straight and would just cry and cry and gag a bit and then be so confused when I would push him forward. It was awful. He threw up every 20 mins for the next 2 hours. We called Mike's mom (the time difference meant it wasn't late there at all) and asked what to do and then we called Health Link (can you tell this is the first time Z's been sick?). We were told to just give him some amounts of liquids and just help him lean forward when he was vomiting. But seriously, it was the worst night of my life. I felt so helpless & inadequate. I had no idea what to do. Z would be throwing up and I would just cry along with him not knowing what else to do.

But we survived. It was short lived thankfully. He finally went about 45 minutes without throwing up and he was dozing in my arms so I put him back in his crib and attempted to fall asleep. I had little success since every time I heard him cry, I would run into his room. It was a long night. I had texted my dayhome and emailed my work right after he threw up so I didn't have to wake up for work which was nice. He woke up at around 7:30, having gone to bed around midnight and then waking up several times in the night (but thankfully not throwing up). That day he slept from 9:00-12:30, then from 2:30-5:00 and back to bed at 7:30. My heart just broke for my poor tired sick baby. I couldn't get him to eat anything but I managed to get him to drink quite a bit so I felt somewhat comforted. But Z's never been sick before! He's never not ate (this is the kid who regularly outeats me). I was once again feeling helpless & anxious. I had a lot of time on my hands since he was sleeping so much that I just had to really pray and ask for strength and wisdom and guidance.

I really tend to try to do everything myself. I'm always willing to ask Mike for help and I will call complete strangers on Health Link but I don't call out to my Heavenly Father for wisdom. Why is that? Why do I struggle with really seeking God when I'm struggling? Why do I think He's going to judge me? Or think I'm a failure. He knows everything anyways, not asking doesn't mean I'm hiding my inadequacies. I don't have any answers to these questions but I know it's something I really want to work at. I want to have that relationship with God where He is the first person I call out to, not the last.

Halloween Fun!

I didn't actually think I would enjoy Halloween as much as I did. I thought Z would look adorable in his costume and we'd go to our neighbours and he would get bored and we'd be done. But it ended up being such a fanastic night. Z, of course, looked adorable as a little pumpkin (is anyone surprised?) and he had so much fun. We took him out in our complex because then we could quit whenever he felt like he was done, plus I thought it would be fun to see our neighbours. Well Z did so good! The first house we went to he was a little uncertain. I knocked and he just stood there while the person gave him candy but then at the next house he tried to share his candy! So cute. Which of course made the person give him even more candy. Spoiled little kid. :) He figured out pretty quickly what he would need to do. He would pound his little hands on the door and wait patiently (not too patiently - if they didn't get to the door quickly he would just leave!) and hold his bucket up with a smile. He got SO much candy. He had the cute factor and the fact that no-one was out last night (which was crazy because it was gorgeous out - 8 degrees and clear skies!) so everyone just handed him 10 chocolate bars at each door. We actually had to empty his bucket into Mike's pockets in order to finish our complex. We hit every unit in our complex that had lights on, which was only about 20 out of 120, and Z was spoiled. He loved holding the bucket and loved being able to play with the smartie boxes :)

It was really one of those nights I will remember for a long time. It was the first really "parent-y" thing I feel like we've done. I mean we've done lots of parental things in the last 15 months but this was the first thing we've done for Z that I have clear memories of my parents doing for me. I'm not sure if that makes sense but this seemed like a big moment for us. Sometimes I don't really feel like a parent. I think it's because we are young and none of our friends have kids and Z often just kinda comes around with us. We don't do a lot of things just for him because well he's 1 and he doesn't really care what we do yet. But this was something that we obviously wouldn't do if he wasn't around and it was such a typical parent thing to do - dress your kid up and take him trick or treating. I don't know, I loved it. I felt like this was just a big moment in our lives. Maybe thats silly but I'm okay with that.

I'm happy - deal with it

I am so sick and tired of hearing people say "oh it must be so hard" when they hear about me going back to work. Yes, I love my child. Yes, I do struggle with leaving him in the care of someone else and yes, I wish I was there to see all his big firsts. However, I LOVE my job. I LOVE working and I honestly don't picture myself as a stay at home mom right now. I might be one day, but right now, I love working. But I feel like it's become this "thing" where stay at hom moms are seen as the best moms, the hardest working moms, the moms who truly love their kids and would do anything to be with them every day. Don't get me wrong, I respect moms who do choose to stay at home and I think thats great for them. But it's not for me and I'm not going to feel guilty because I enjoy working. I have a fantastic dayhome, I know my son is safe and happy there. I know she loves him and gives him constant affirmation and affection. He loves going there and loves it when I pick him up. I also hate hearing about how I must look forward to me being able to stay home, going on the assumption that the only reason I'm working is because I have to. Well I don't. Yes, financially it does make better sense for me to be working right now but technically, I think if I really wanted to, we could make it work. Or I could only work part-time or something. I am working because I want to. I am working because I enjoy my job. It's not easy. It is a lot of work to make sure I get enough time with my child and have a life and right now, I do sacifice a bit of my social life because if I'm away from Z all day, I don't really want to get a babysitter and lose more time with him. But thats okay. For me, this is the life I currently want. I don't believe that won't change. I'm sure that I might choose to stay home with my children one day. Maybe. But maybe I will keep working and I'm okay with that too. It's my choice and I absolutely love having that freedom.

But I'm happy and please stop assuming that I'm not.

Weird things my kid does

• child safety locks - no match for Z. I was taking a shower the other day and being the wonderful mother I am, I plopped my kid in front of a Veggie Tales episode and told him to sit still. 5 minutes later, this little hand pulls open my shower curtain and says "Hi!". I almost died of shock. When no-one over the age of one is home and you have a child proof lock on your door handle, you really dont expect company in the shower!
• Cleans my house. Really well in fact. He puts all the shoes in the hall closet, he puts the remote control on the TV cabinet, he puts his milk back in the fridge and his clothes in the hamper. I have no idea where he gets this desire to clean from, definiately not from me but I appreciate it.
• spins in circles when he's bored. And then falls on the ground giggling.
• Socks in the utensils drawer - I'm teaching Z to put his clothes away, so when I do laundry I hand him his clothes and he puts them in his drawers. He's figured this out really well, except now whenever I open one of the kitchen drawers, I find random articles of clothing in there. Usually it's a sock.
• When he babbles, it's full sentences and hand movements. And if we ignore him, he will push himself into our line of vision and babble really loud.
• Imitates a monkey - seriously this kid is such a climber. Yesterday he discovered that he could move his little chair into the kitchen, climb on it, use the drawer handles for support and grab stuff of the counter. He's also learned he can crawl onto the ottoman and couches. Nothing is out of reach in our house anymore
• Gets himself ready for going outside - he will hand me his socks, his shoes and his jacket. and if I'm taking too long, he brings me my shoes and then grabs the keys and tries to put them in the door.
• Wears a potty for his hat - he will take the top part of his little potty off and run around the house with it on his head. He also does this with buckets. I feel like perhaps I shouldn't encourage him to run around with things on his head but it's really hilarious.

I can post again!

For some reason my blog wouldn't let me publish any posts so I had all these posts saved but no way to publish them. But I got around the system by installing the Blogger app on my phone and then i could publish from there! So soon there will be a bunch of old posts up but for the time being I'll just post a picture of my growing little guy:

Sometimes I shouldn't open my mouth...

My husband wants to become a cop.

It was my idea…why? I suggested it mostly as a joke when we were thinking of new careers for him – he likes guns so it made sense in my mind. However, I didn’t expect him to be interested. Or to find out that he was considering it but didn’t want to say it because he thought I would freak out. Which I did. But then I stopped and thought about it. Mostly about how hot he would look in the uniform. But I also thought about my feelings on guns (before we got married, I told Mike – my gun loving American that he could never own a gun), on how I hate it when he’s gone more often than he’s home, how I worry needlessly about him getting in a car accident if he’s 10 minutes late so how would I be if he had a higher risk job, but mostly I just thought about how regardless of all that, I think he’ll be a great cop and he would actually enjoy his job.

I do think he would be a great police officer. He is calm, controlled, works well with people, dedicated, physically active and would love a diverse and changing job. I think he would enjoy it. Does that mean I want him to be a cop? Not 100% but I want him to have a job he loves, I want him to wake up and enjoy going to work. I hate watching him go to a job he hates because he wants to provide for us. I could picture him as a cop and I like that picture. I’m not a huge fan of the hours or the time away from us but I also know that EPS has pretty decent hours and I truly do believe that we could make it work. They do 4 days on and 4 days off so you actually do get a significant amount of time together but I’m also not naive enough to think that those 4 days on won’t be extremely difficult, especially if he’s working nights. I also know that cops have one of the highest divorce rates in a profession and I will not let that happen to us which means we are going to have to be intentional and really work on our marriage, a lot more than we do now if I’m being honest. I worry that with me working, it will make it a lot harder for me and for us to see each other. If he’s working weekends, then I’m home alone those days and even if he’s off for 4 days, if it’s during the week, I won’t see him because I’ll be at work. We’ll have evenings but with the little dude, that’s not always quiet or relaxing. The nice thing is that he will make more money and if I really wanted to, we could afford for me to stay home and then when he’s home for those 4 days, I will be there too! So we’ll see. I’ll also have to get used to holidays not being celebrated on the actual day (although bonus – holidays are paid @ triple time!) and Mike missing some of those big moments in our lives but I do believe we will be able to do it. There will be sacrifices but if my husband is able to have a job he loves and be able to provide for our family, I will support him. 100%. I know that if I ever said I can’t handle it, even if he’s been a cop for 20 years, he would quit that day. I know that. And I am comfortable with him going into this because I know that. I have no doubt that Mike would do absolutely anything for our family.

But as much as both Mike & I think this is what he should do, we are waiting. This is not a small decision. It’s more than a career, it’s a lifestyle and we can’t make this decision lightly. So we are working on getting all the documents ready for the application (which is no small feat) and we have to wait for some certificates to come (since Mike is American he has to get some extra documentation) and that will take 6 weeks so we are going to use that time to really pray about this and really make sure this is what God wants us to do as a family. Mike needs to train so he is ready for the physical fitness challenge and again, we are using that time to pray about this. We can’t apply for 6 weeks and I think that is a huge blessing because that gives us time to make sure we are not rushing into this and that we are going into this as informed as possible. We are meeting with a couple from church, he is a cop with EPS, and we want their insights and thoughts about becoming a police family.
And then, in about 6 weeks time, we hand in that 100 page application and start this journey (maybe!). And pray that we will continue to be directed by God and that we will seek his will in our lives.

I think we are going to do this but I know I need to open to the idea that this may not be what we should do, which I think will be hard to hear because I have spent a lot of time praying, researching and struggling to come to terms with the idea and I feel like I am there now and I am excited for Mike so if it ends up not being what we should do, I’m going to be honest – it will be a struggle. But we have been disappointed before and we still continue on and if we are disappointed again, we will continue on. Together.And that’s all that matters.

I'm still here!

I haven’t blogged in so long! It’s not that I have nothing
going in my life, I think it’s more that I feel like I have nothing worthy of
writing going on. I’m back at work, I love my job, love getting dressed in nice
clothes and having adult conversation every day. I love getting a paycheque and
knowing we do just fine because of the money I make. I love that Z does so well
in his dayhome. But I feel guilty. Should I be so happy that I leave my child
every single day in the care of someone else? Should I be happy that days like
today when Z is grumpy all morning, I’m just happy I’m not the one dealing with
him? Is it wrong that I almost start crying when Z gets so excited to go to the
dayhome each day and I’m happy that he’s happy but I kinda wish he would miss
me more? Our lives are so good right now. I love my job. I love Z’s day home
and I love that I feel energized and ready to handle Z in the evenings and
weekends. I wish I had time to cook more – it’s a little embarrassing to think
about how often we eat Costco hot dogs or frozen pizza simply because I’m
feeling lazy or blah. But beyond the cooking thing, I think we’re doing pretty
good! J

So that’s my update. It’s nothing exciting.

But hopefully there will be big news coming soon ;)

And no I’m not pregnant.

He's Walking! Watch Out!

The little dude taking some of his first steps! Not happy about it but I still want to remember these first steps!

My life is good

Last Day...

So today is my last day as a stay at home mom. I'm feeling very sentimental. I'm excited for the prospect of adult conversation, being able to wear nice clothes and feeling like we have money again. But the thought of leaving Z every day with someone else breaks my heart. Z woke up this morning just wanting to cuddle and I felt like he knew! He knew that I was leaving him. That nothing would really be the same after today.
But I know it'll be okay...right? He will still love me and understand that me leaving him with Kirby everyday doesn't mean that i don't love him. It's hard though. I LOVE being with him everyday but I also really am looking forward to going back to work. I'm excited about this job, it seems perfect for me. It's post-secondary, which is really my passion. It sounds busy but interesting. The people seem awesome. I'm so excited. But I got to admit, the excitement is dampered by my fear, my heartache and my struggle with leaving Z. He is my life. I love being there for him day in and day out. I love afternoon cuddles and morning naps and going for walks and being able to just do whatever we want. I love that if Z wants to take 3 naps, he can. If he only wants to take one, we will work with that. If we are feeling like going out to Grandma & Grandpa's, I can just head out there. If my sister needs me to fly to her to help watch her son while she's on bedrest, I can! I'm going to miss being able to just do whatever. But I also know that this year has been a blessing and I need to see it as that, and not view it as something I'm losing, but think of all the bonding and memories I have gained. I can't imagine how hard it would have been for me to have had to go to work when Z was 6 weeks old or 3 months old! I often feel so blessed to live in Canada (minus the weather and the family so far away) and our maternity leave just highlights it for me. So today, I am going to enjoy my son and maybe create some more memories!

Murphy's Law of Parenting

• Baby's first tooth will show up on vacation


• As soon as the camera turns on baby will stop smiling, rolling over ,walking, etc...


• The second you put baby in an adorable outfit, that is the moment he will have a diaper explosion


• The second you wear a new, dry-clean only outfit, that is the moment he will have a diaper/vomit explosion


• When Daddy leaves that is the moment that baby will start to cut his molars


• When you complain that baby doesn't sleep and cries a lot, he will be a perfect angel, sleeping and cooing, in front of anyone you complain to


• He will be a perfect angel in dayhome interviews and then be cutting teeth & on his worst behaviour his first day (and get fired....twice)


• His first steps will be at Grandma & Grandpa's - when Mom isn't around


• The days that we can sleep in, he will wake up at 5:30 and when we need to get up, he won't wake up until 8:30


• The one time that baby needs a bottle way earlier than normal is the one time we won't have a bottle

Summer Fun

Happy Birthday Baby!

To my beloved son:

Happy First Birthday! I can’t believe my baby is one, my baby is not a baby anymore but a toddler. You are a beautiful, happy and enjoyable child. You make me smile every single day. You have changed so much in a year, it’s amazing the difference. When you were born and placed in my arms, you were so tiny and so breakable. But now, you are this solid, active little boy. You don’t stop moving. You love to crawl all over the house and pull yourself up on everything. You love to smile & giggle. You wave to us and your whole face lights up when you see Daddy come home from work. My whole being rejoices when you say “ma-ma” and I know you want me. You’re first steps were so exciting! There is a part of me that is sad now that you have officially reached toddlerhood because it means you are growing up on me, this year has flown by. But I am so excited to continue watching you grow up and further develop your personality. You are so silly and hilarious to watch. You know when you make us smile and you try so hard to make us laugh. You make silly sounds, you wave, you try to feed us and you have this full body shake that you do when you are really excited. There is nothing quiet, cautious or controlled about you. You are loud, fearless and a little spazzy. :) And that’s why I love you. I can’t wait for this next year as you learn to walk and talk and become a little man!
Happy Birthday Baby! I love you.

Your Mama

I’ll love you forever
I’ll like you for always
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be

So happy!

Two of my favorite people got married this weekend, it was such a beautiful wedding and it was just so wonderful to be a part of that day and witness this couple get married. I love weddings so much, it's so easy to get cynical about relationships these days with every second person you know getting divorced but it's great to see people still believing in marriage and believing tha they will make it. It makes me remember my wedding and remember how happy I was that day and it just makes me feel even more in love with my husband. He is my everything. He's my rock, my best friend, the one I laugh with, cry on, vent to and want to be with at the end of every day.

This is what happens when it gets too quiet...

Still struggling...

I love that Canada has a one year maternity leave. It's such a blessing to have this time with Z and not have to worry about finances. However, if I went back to work when Z was 9 months old, I think I would be completely okay with it. Well maybe not completely but he was such a handful at that age (hence the getting kicked out of 2 daycares!) and I really was needing a break from him and was starting to get a little excited about going back to work and being able to dress nice and talk to grown ups again. But now, I don't know anymore. He's just turned into such a happy and content baby. He rarely cries, and usually only if something specific is wrong. I am just enjoying being with him and enjoying watching him grow up into this hilariou little person. He's so close to taking his first steps - I want to be there. He's starting to say "ma-ma" and nothing making me happier than knowing he wants me and loves me. I just really am having a hard time with the idea of leaving him. I know I need to, we can't afford me not working but it's hard. It's really hard.

Power of Words

I think we underestimate the power of words. Words can heal, encourage, empower, devastate, destroy and stay with you forever.
I reconnected with an amazing woman that I knew when I was a teenager; she listened to me, encouraged me and spoke powerful words to me. I wonder if she realizes that a single sentance that she said to me changed my life; I'm going to be overdramatic here and say that her words saved my life. I was telling her my frustration with my Dad and my feelings with our relationship and she told me this "when my early daddy steps out, thats when my heavenly Daddy steps in". That changed my life. That changed and defined my relationship with God. I honestly don't know if I would be following Christ if she hadn't said that to me. I had always struggled with viewing God as a father figure but her words allowed me to view God not the same as an earthly father but instead the Ultimate and Perfect father. It also redefined my relationship with my earthly dad. It made me realize that Dad isn't perfect, he's not God and I don't need to feel as "let down" when he fails because he will fail. And I also failed in my relationship with him. I was not a perfect daughter and he was not a perfect father and thats okay.
And although I look at Mike as being this amazing and perfect Dad to Z, he won't always be perfect. And I hope Z always realizes that God is the Ultimate Daddy and regardless of his emotions and relationship with Mike, God the Daddy will always be there for him.
I hope we can all realize the power of our words and I know that people may not always realize when they say something that forever changes someone else but I think it's important to know it can. My experience was positive but I've also had people say careless things to me that I still remember and are still affected by those words. I want to be like that woman, I want to remembered years later because I positively affected someone and not because I carelessly hurt them.

Heart Melting....

Things Other Moms Have Taught Me

• Babies are new at this too - they won't know that you're screwing up


• A little dirt won't hurt them


• Make a list of one thing to do every day that once done, you won't have to do tomorrow. Windows, bathroom, etc.


• Baby can't thrive if Mom isn't thriving, take some time for yourself and don't feel guilty


• Formula isn't the devil


• Leave the baby overnight before they're one - it'll be easier for both of you if that big event is done sooner rather than later


• Sometimes all you can do is laugh


• Swimming is pretty much the miracle cure, it's fun and they take fantastic naps afterwards!


• All you really need is a pack of crackers, some wipes and a diaper.


• It's worth taking the time to put on makeup and real clothes, you'll feel better about yourself and your husband will appreciate the effort


• Bins in every room makes cleaning up way faster!


• In the first 6 weeks, don't worry about spoiling them, sleep habits or really anything. Just enjoy them.


• Don't freak out if they don't do things by the book, no baby ever follows every milestone perfectly


• You are not alone in whatever crazy thing your child has done - getting kicked out of daycare after 3 hours - you're not the first one to have that happen to...I hope...

Thanks to all the fantastic moms in my life! I appreciate you far more than you realize!

Happy Fathers Day!

Before Z was born, Mike had never held a baby. He had never changed a diaper or even witnessed a diaper change. He had never thought about baby names or how many kids he wanted. He always assumed he would want kids but never really thought about the details; it was just "sometime". Due to a happy oops, that sometime is now. He is a Daddy, and not just a Daddy, he is a wonderful, attentive, loving Daddy. He changes diapers, he blows raspberries, gives baths, he kisses Z goodnight and tells him daily that he is loved. Nothing melts my heart more than seeing Z cuddled up in his daddy's lap listening to a story. Z is loved and that fact will always be known to him. I was head over heels in love with Mike on the day we got married but nothing makes me more attracted to him and more in love with him than watching him play with his son. I knew he would be a great father but I had no idea how great. Thank you Mike. Thank you for being such a great husband and such a wonderful father. We both love you so much and I am so blessed to have you in my life! I love you!
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I just got back from the best weekend ever. And it was great timing. I needed a break so badly!
I had found a new dayhome for Z on the same day that I interviewed for a job that I really wanted. I took Z to the day home on Tuesday for the day and it went really well (no phone calls after 3 hours!) and Laura, the day home lady, said Z did just fine. He took a short nap in the morning so was a little grumpy but then took a 2 hour afternoon nap so she felt that he would settle in just fine. So I picked him up feeling very positive and happy about this dayhome. I was hoping to hear back from the job on Wed or Thurs but by the time I picked Z up from the day home on Thursday (his 2nd day) I hadn't heard anything and no news is rarely good news so I was a little anxious about that. And then I picked up Z....and my week went downhill from there. Laura handed me Z and I asked how the day went and she went "well...." and then went on to tell me that he basically cried all day and she wasn't sure it was going to work out and maybe we would be better in a daycare situation where there are more workers and he will never have to be left alone (apparently he screamed bloody murder everytime she had to leave him alone). She said she was willing to try again next week but she just wasn't sure and 'just in case' she gave me all his stuff back if I didn't want to bring him back. I really felt like she was passive-aggresively firing him. She didn't want to say she wouldn't, probably because she was with an agency and thought that would be frowned upon so she was encouraging me to do the leaving. So I took his stuff but didn't commit to whether or not I would bring him the next week, I just said I would call her either way. So that wasn't fun. Then Friday came and went without me hearing anything from the job which was basically me not getting it. They had said they would make a decision on Wednesday and I knew if I hadn't heard by Friday, it wasn't going to be good news. So at this point, it wasn't a good week.
But Saturday was the start of our vacation - our first ever baby-free weekend! Mom & Dad picked Z up early Sat morning and Mike & I headed to Calgary to see my brother & sister-in-law. We talked the whole drive there about life, day homes, jobs and money. It was great to just have that time to talk and be with each other. We decided that we would pull Z from the day home, obviously she didn't really want him and wasn't really to take the time to acclimate him to the new environment. We also decided that although my maternity leave had just ended, we would be okay for a couple months if I wasn't working. So we decided if I didn't get the job I had interviewed for, I would wait until September to look for full time work. Then Z would be a little older and perhaps will adjust to daycare better. We also discussed Mike potentially changing careers, unfortunately youth ministry hasn't been working out right now and the bank just really isn't what he wants to do long term. He is thinking of going into the trades, it's working with his hands which he would enjoy more and to be honest, it pays a lot better. So we are going to investigate some options in that field, possibly electrician, carpenter or plumber.
So our drive was great, very relaxing and we made a lot of plans for our future. We got to Calgary and had a great time with Brian & Suzanne. On Sunday morning we went to the zoo with them and with Joella and Chris, who I've only seen once in the last year. So that was wonderful and a lot of fun. Sunday afternoon we drive to Canmore and just had a wonderful relaxing time. We went to Banff and went for a hike around Lake Louise and went for a mountain drive (we even saw a bear!). And then I heard from the job - I didn't get it but they said they had a maternity leave position opening up in August that they were wondering if i would be willing to be considered for. Which would be perfect. The timing is great and there is no pressure with a one year position. I had to wonder if i was having a hard time finding a job because I am seen as basically another maternity leave waiting to happen. So this would be great! I will know end of July is I have the job so that gives me 2 months to find a dayhome for Z! So that took a lot of stress off my life.
Such a great vacation. And Z did great with my parents - 3 nights away from me and he barely cried. I missed him SO much but it was so nice to get away and now I feel relaxed and rejuvenated!

Some Pics from our vacation

We spent 3 days in beautiful Canmore this weekend! So wonderful & relaxing! more details later...

I miss my sister

Sometimes I just want to call Mel and invite myself over for coffee...but then I remember that she lives 8 hours away. I've always wished that my sister lived closer but never more so now that we both have children the same age and are both stay at home moms. It's hard, I feel alone and lonely a lot of the time. My friends are fantastic, they are always so willing to come to me because they know I can't go out as often but they aren't there during the long boring days and although they love me & Z, they don't want to talk about teething and diapers and all the laundry I have to do. And the ladies in my Bible Study are great, they are fantastic to talk to about being a mom but I'm just not close to them - I can't talk to them about life. I want mommy friends, like close friends who have kids. Right now I have a bit of both and I feel like I can't relate to either of them. The people I know with kids are close to 10 yrs older than me and none of my close friends are in the same stage of life as me. It's hard. I'm lonely. And my days are boring. Z hates the stroller so it's hard to go for walks with him or go shopping. And we have no money so I really can't do anything that would cost money. So I stay at home and watch TV all day...not the most exciting life. I want my sister. She would understand. She would talk babies with me but also talk about life. She would hang out with me and just be my friend. I miss her.

Really Zach...Really?

So Z got kicked out of his dayhome...after 3 hours. I was so excited about this dayhome. We went to a ton of them, and they were just awful. Most of them could barely speak English and really seemed liked they had no actual interest in the kids. One home had this poor little girl camped out in front of a Punjabi soap opera...not where I want Z to be. Another was so messy that I felt like I would have to give Z extra immunizations to just let him stay there. One had like 10 kids in this tiny little condo. But this one was so good. It was an older Christian lady who had this beautiful, well designed, home within walking distance. She had a great basement area for the kids, separate sleep areas, a nice big fenced in yard..it just seemed perfect. Z seemed to like her, he immediately hugged and kissed her when she saw him. I was so excited, we had decided to put Z in the day home 2 days a week until I went back to work so he would get used to it without it being full time, so I dropped him off yesterday and had all these plans to clean my house and just feel relaxed for a day. I had a nice breakfast, a second cup of coffee and then had all the laundry piled in the living room floor ready to be sorted and folded and all that fun stuff....and then the phone rang. It was Kathleen, at first I thought I must have forgotten something but instead it was her saying that she needed me to come pick Z up...he was too much for her to handle. Apparently he only took a half hour nap (in reality, I was actually just impressed that he slept at all his first day in a new place) so he was tired and grumpy and apparently into everything. He was pulling himself up and crawling all over the place and she was worried he was going to get hurt and she couldn't just follow him around and still keep an eye on the others. I know she just over extended herself and its better that we found out immediately that it wasn't going to work but I'm still so frustrated. 3 hours!! That is definately not enough time to make a decision. What kid is going to be fantastic his first day away from Mom? He's not going to sleep well, thats a given. And he's going to explore a new place so of course he's getting into everything. I do think he would have settled in and be fine if she gave him a chance, but she didn't. Not that I'm bitter about that or anything...not at all.... So now I have to find a new day home for Z, pray I get a job soon but not before I find a day home and pray he doesn't get kicked out of the next one. I definately barely slept last night because I was so stressed. I just cried when Kathleen called me and then called Mike and he came home from work and we just played with Z and tried to remember that we are not in control and all we can do is pray and just trust God that He will provide us with wisdom and direction but not gonna lie, right now, it's hard to trust.

This is a typical day in our house...

Look Mom, I can get my own toys!

And I can drag my stuff all over my room!

How can I leave this face?

I got to admit, I'm really struggling with the idea of going back to work. Lately he has been so fun and so smiley that I'm really wishing that we could swing me not going back but I do know that I need to work for the time being but I REALLY don't want to.... I mean really, look at him: (yes this picture was taken in April...oh how I love Canadian spring...)

Look what I can do!

Bah

Thats my mood today. I haven't blogged in a month and thats mainly because i have had no energy, no desire to write, to think or to do really anything. It's been a busy, crazy month. Mike applied for this YP job, got the interview, got to one out of two and once again, they went with the other guy. Then he found out his uncle, his favorite uncle, has been diagnosed with terminal esophagus cancer. Then we found out that although we can buy a house super cheap down in california, the job market SUCKS and since I won't be able to work when we move down due to my lack of a green card....our moving plans have been put on hold. Then we crunched numbers and realized that income - expenses will leave us like $20 of breathing room if I stay home.... so I'm going back to work. All of this has equaled out to us being stressed, a little depressed and really unsure of life. From the day I went on maternity leave, I never thought I'd go back to work. At least not until all the kids were in school. I never once thought I would have to put Z in daycare...but I will. And I'm not going to lie, I'm really struggling with that. Am I a bad mom for deciding to go back to work when technically we could survive without me going? Am I being selfish? Is it horrible that I'm kinda excited at the prospect of getting out of the house everyday, wearing nice office clothes, getting a paycheque and actually being able to afford new shoes or a meal out or.... a vacation!! And I think about the fact that someone else is going to be watching my baby everyday. Someone else might be the one to see his first steps or hear his first word.... That thought devastates me. And I don't know what to do. I know that I'm going back, I found a dayhome that seems really good, I'm in the process of looking for a job and I'm okay with it. But there is this little guilty voice in the back of my head that says that a child belongs with his mother, not someone being paid to watch him. And then I start second guessing myself. Should I stay home? Should we just cut the numbers, spend less on groceries, take the bus and conserve electricity? All this stress makes me want to stay at home in bed. And thats just the work stress. There is the fact that my husband is still working in a job he doesn't really love, making only decent money while he also works for our condo board and interning at our church, meaning he is home like one day a week. He has another job interview this morning and i'll be honest, I can't even think positively about this one. I would LOVE it if he got this job but really, I can't get my hopes up again. It's too hard. But I have bible study in like 15 minutes, so I need to go, make myself look presentable and spend 2 hours fellowshipping with other Christian mommies and just love on Jesus today.

Poor sick sad baby...

Poor Z, he is teething today and just so exhausted and grumpy. He hasn't cuddled up and slept against me in my wrap since he was probably 3 months old. I must admit, I was sad for him that he wasn't feeling good but I loved getting these cuddles!

Full Belly Laughs...

So Z is moving, like moving moving. It's crazy. I kept waiting for him to scootch, we would meanly put toys just out of his reach and tryto get him to move forward and he sorta could but not really. So while I was focusing on that, I missed the fact that rolling over could get you places! He rolled over from his back to his belly (finally!) and I missed him doing that. I was chatting with my sister in law and looked up and he wasn't on his back anymore! I was shocked but then he didn't do it for several days and I started wondering if maybe I was crazy, maybe he was on his tummy all along but then he did it! He rolled from his back to his tummy and then he did this thing where if I had him close to his exersaucer he would use that to roll himself back and forth, it was so cute. But then this new thing started - log rolling! I had heard of it but never really thought about it as a way to move. I thought babies just rolled over a couple times and that was log rolling. But Z doesn't just roll over, he moves all over my house. He can get from point A to point B surprisingly quick. Although I must admit, I'm really not sure if he actually is planning to get somewhere or just ends up somewhere and then happily plays where he ends up. But regardless, it's so fun to watch. Plus he's a lot more content these days now that he can do stuff on his own. The best thing ever was when he was on the floor by himself and I was just chatting with Mike on the couch and he managed to roll over to his car seat and get to his toy and he'd press the buttons and play with it and then.....he laughed. Like full out belly laugh. My heart just melted. This wasn't his first laugh, he giggles quite a bit. Almost always when I kiss his cheeks and say "mum-mum-mum" and when Mike gives him belly rubs but this was the first time he had laughed on his own, without us doing something to entertain him. It just seems so special, this laugh. It was a huge laugh, which is a newer thing to him, and it just seemed to say that we're doing something right. We are raising a happy, healthy child who loves us, who loves his life and is content. And then I picked him up and he smiled at me and gave me a giant sloppy open mouthed kiss. I love that boy.

From your Mama - Happy 6 Month Birthday!

Today is your half birthday my dearest son. You have changed so much in these 6 months. Until you were born, I had no idea what unconditional love is. The moment I held you in my arms, I loved you. You were this quiet little baby who looked at me with these deep soulful eyes that seemed to know exactly what was going on. I loved you so much but in comparison to the love I have for you, it was nothing. I remember holding you when you were about 4 weeks old and just crying because of the depth of my love for you. And it just continues to grow. You are absolutely everything to me. I love your eyes, the way they always seem to be taking everything in, I love your little “hero chin” and your chubby cheeks. I love watching you sleep. I love watching you learn new things. In 6 short months you have gone from basically just sleeping constantly to moving constantly. I remember driving home from the hospital with you and thinking, oh my goodness we are in charge of this little baby and being absolutely terrified. However nothing was more exciting to me than being your mother. I loved holding you, nursing you, I even enjoyed changing your diapers. I loved dressing you in these adorable little baby clothes and taking a million pictures of you. Your first smile, your first little giggle (which was this little “heh-heh” that sounded like a fake pity laugh), your first belly laugh. The first time you rolled over (which got me so excited that I scared you!), the first time you rolled from back to belly, the first time you sat on your own, your first meal, your first bath…all these memories happened in just 6 short months and I’m so excited for all the firsts that are coming up! I can’t wait for your first crawl, your first steps and your first words but there is a part of me that will be sad because every new first represents you moving away from babyhood into toddlerhood. But I am so excited for the next 6 months and the rest of your life. I’m so excited to see you grow up and I pray that you will always know how much I love you. Happy Half-Birthday!

Just because

Z is trying SO hard here to move, one day he will shock everyone (including himself!) and actually move but so far, it' s just been fun to watch him try

My New Favorite Thing

This morning in the quiet hours I quietly sat with Z while I gave him his bottle. It was was wonderful. I never realized how comforting and relaxing it could be to bottlefeed my baby. I loved nursing him, I loved the closeness and the cuddling and that wonderful feeling of contentment when he fell asleep nursing and I would just sit there and rock him for awhile but lately that hadn't been our nursing experiences. There was a lot of stress and a lot of tears. I could never tell whether or not he was getting enough, and I don't think he was. As soon as we'd finish feeding, there would be a lot of tears. I tried nursing him more to get my milk supply up but he would latch on and then rip off screaming. Mike finally suggested that I try formula, and even though I was never really all that attached to breastfeeding (or so I thought) I was shocked at how against that I was. I never planned to nurse him the full year, I always thought around 9 months but actually stopping - thats a HUGE step. You can't go back. Once you make that decision, its almost impossible to change. But after days of Z screaming, I needed to try something. And an amazing thing happened, he happily took a bottle of half formula half breastmilk from Grandma and then he stopped drinking and smiled. It had been weeks since he had finished a nursing session with a smile. After that, we decided to go for it. It was still so hard on me, I was surprised but I knew for me, it was the right thing to do. I know a lot of people think "Breast is Best" and I agree. I think everyone should at least try to nurse and they should nurse as long as they can because it is best and however much you can do will help your baby. But at this stage in Z's life, formula is the best thing for him. He's a whole new baby. He's happy. He sleeps better. He's even almost back to going through the night! He wakes up at 5:30 or 6:00 for a bottle and then sleeps until 7:30. Life has just been easier for us. And gently holding him while he quietly and contently has his meal, best feeling in the world!
I don't think people realize that bottlefeeding can still be a time of connecting with your baby. I think I was so scared to stop nursing because then would Z still love me the same way. Would he still be comforted immediately by me? Would I be any different than Daddy? I know he loves Mike but I also know that Z and I have a special connection, would that be gone when I stopped nursing? No. Nothing changed except I had a happier baby. I am DEFINATELY NOT trying to advocate formula because I truly believe that nothing is better for your baby than breastmilk. It's amazing. I LOVE how God designed our bodies. We have this amazing way to feed our babies that changes as he grows to be exactly what he needs, heck it changes during the day to be exactly what he needs. But I also know that just like I now give him medicine when he's sick and have the health care system to take care of him, there are alternatives to breast milk. Safe ones that will still allow my baby to be healthy and happy. And I think that a lot of people judge me for that. Especially Christians. It's not natural, it's not the way God intended, etc, etc. I've heard it all. And I've told myself that. But you know, I'm sleeping better, Z is sleeping better, I'm handling life better these days and now Mike can even help with feedings which really is huge. And I'm okay with that.

Sometimes I hate being poor*

Typically living on a budget doesn't bother me. Actually the obsessive-compulsive neurotic side of me loves it. I love writing things down and crunching numbers and making lists. Coupon clipping and budget friendly cookbooks all give me this little thrill inside. I don't need to go to Mexico or live in a big fancy house. I'm okay with the fact that we live in a 2 bedroom condo and we had to borrow money to buy it. We bought a used car and we live in a house filled with me hand-me-downs. I'm okay with that. However I want an extra $25,000. What for you ask? I want a baby. Yes, I have a baby. This beautiful baby boy sleeping in the next room (and yes, he's actually sleeping, I'm shocked too) but I want another baby. And I do realize there are very cheap ways to make a baby. Heck in Canada it's really cheap. We don't even need health insurance to have a baby. It's kinda fantastic, Mike was so shocked when I got to the hospital and the bill was $0 for 2 nights in the hospital and everything that went with having a baby...but that's not really what I'm talking about. I want to adopt. I want to find a baby in Haiti that is orphaned and without a home and adopt that baby. I would love that baby and give him/her a good home. I literally break down and cry at the thought of all these beautiful babies in orphanages, not being rocked or sung to when they're sad. These babies not smiling when someone peeks into their cribs because they don't know love. Okay I'm crying again, but the point is, I want to help them. I want to love those babies. But it's expensive to adopt. Really, really expensive. And I've always thought that it is healthy for an adoptive baby to be the middle child. I know that sounds weird but I think it's great when the baby is just part of the family. Not an afterthought or a next stage of life baby, but just one of the family. So maybe in 10 or 15 years we could afford to adopt a baby, but I don't want to wait 10 or 15 years, I want to get started on the process now. That way when we do get the baby, Z will only be a couple years older. But it's so expensive which kinda breaks my heart. I feel this need, this call to open my heart, my life and my family to a child that's not from my womb but financially, I don't know what to do. It's not like a missions trip where I can fund raise for and sign up for before I have the money on a leap of faith that God will provide. Adoption agencies don't really let you sign up unless you have the money. And why is it so expensive? Really, there are MILLIONS of babies that need a home. I get that there needs to be paperwork so you don't get people adopting for wrong reasons, but why is it so expensive?? We make it by each month, but not with a lot left over, definitely not enough to put away the kind of money we would need to adopt. Part of me is bitter when I see people with money and they get to go to Mexico and buy stupidly expensive cars and furniture. We would do so much more with the money. But do I send Z to day care and try to get another job? Would sacrificing being a stay at home Mom be the right thing to do? Do I push my husband to not look for a job in youth ministry and stay with the bank because he'll make more money? Where do we find a balance? I can't stand the thought of not being there day in and day out for Z when we can technically (barely!) afford for me to stay home. And I could never ask my husband to not follow God and serve God the way he feels he has been gifted. So what do we do?

* Disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anyone by calling myself poor because I know that I am not poor, in fact I think we're probably considered middle-class. I am exaggerating and simply looking at ourselves in comparison to family members and the society we live in.

Top Memories of 2010

I could do 2010 memories, this year was the most amazing year of my life, but I will limit it to my top 50 memories. And as great as this year was, I think about 2011 and how great it will be watching Z grow up and learn new things and develop as parents with Mike.

1. Being handed my beautiful baby boy for the first time
2. Being told "It's a Boy" at the ultrasound
3. Buying our first home
4. Playing a "risky" boardgame
5. Getting our TV for free
6. Getting to see Z and his cousin play together
7. The incredible generosity of the people in our church
8. Watching 2 of my closest friends get married
9. Texting while in labour
10. Watching and rewatching HIMYM
11. Z's first Christmas
12. The first time Z giggled
13. Calgary trip with the girls
14. The Olympics - Go Canada!!!
15. Being able to be a "sassy" pregnant lady
16. Feeling Z's hiccups inside me
17. The look on Mike's face the first time he felt Z move
18. Our "homecation"
19. Edible Arrangements
20. Bringing Z home from the hospital and having this "holy crap we're parents" moment
21. Getting shoes for valentines day
22. Decorating the nursery
23. Girls Night
24. The thrill of that first painful contraction and knowing it was time
25. Long walks around the block with Mike trying to get Z to sleep
26. Seeing J wear a "big brother" T-shirt
27. Taking O & H to West Ed and seeing O stand with a sea lion
28. Watching Mike gently hold our child while he sleeps
29. Flying with Z and having people come up to us to tell us he was the best and quietest baby they had ever flown with
30. Being able to take Z to California to visit his grandparents and great-grandparents
31. Angela's stagette, nothing like the big pregnant woman dancing to Journey
32. Timing contractions at Joella's wedding
33. The first time that Z was crying and crying and then stopped the second I picked him up
34. Celebrating my parents 30th Wedding Anniversary
35. New Friendships
36. Old Friendships staying strong, even with the giant life changes we all went through this year
37. Running our first load of dishes in our first ever dishwasher!
38. Being pregnant at the same time as my sister AND sister-in-law
39. "But Not The Hippopotamus"
40. Being asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of two of my favorite people!
41. Coffee at Tim Horton's with my Dad
42. World Cup final...it was a devastating loss but still a fun party
43. Really getting to connect with my sister in law
44. Quietly rocking my newborn baby while he slept in my arms
45. Being able to fly to Regina to spend some time with my sister
46. Painting coasters with Mike at CrankPots
47. Seeing Moulon Rouge
48. Seeing the joy and excitement on J&J's faces when they announced they were pregnant!
49. Seeing the man I love be not only an amazing husband, son, brother and friend but an amazing and incredible father
50. The realization that as hard as it seemed at the time, looking back it was all great memories